My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

I can't stop crying, been doing it off and on tonight. I thought I was strong and could handle all of this, but I can't, at least not right this second.
Today my husband came over to watch the kids while I went to lunch with a former colleague who still works for the company I left after I had my son. I'm hoping to get back to work full time whether my husband and I reconcile or not, and if we don't, I'm really going to need that full-time job.
I stayed out for a while and ran some errands, then came home late afternoon/early evening. Since my husband moved out, he normally runs out the door the minute I come home, and I go into the bathroom for a minute to compose myself so my son and daughter don't see me cry. Tonight though, he stayed past the kids' bedtime and was even joking around with me a little. He was laying on the couch watching a political show we used to watch together and making funny comments about our governor (we're not big fans). I happily gave the kids their baths, got them in their pjs and was happy at how smoothly the night was going. I couldn't believe he was STAYING for so long and was wondering if maybe he was here to stay or was waiting around to spend time with me after the kids went to bed. Well, he was waiting for me to put the kids to bed alright, but not to hang out with me or talk about coming home. Why would I think that?
Instead, this is why he was hanging around. After I finished the bedtime stories and came out of my son's room, I started unloading the dishwasher, when my husband walked into the kitchen and said this:

H: I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. I was wondering if you've thought about how we're going to do Christmas.

My heart, stomach, everything was in my feet right now.

Me: I haven't thought about it much. Why do you ask?

H: I don't want to fight.

Me: Well, what were you thinking?

H: I thought I would take the kids to my mom's for Christmas Eve...(Christmas Eve is a really big deal in my husband's family. This fact was established when we were dating. His mom has always done Christmas Eve and they have a big family event at her house. So what my husband was telling me was, you're not invited to an event you've been going to for several years.)

H: (continued) I would bring the kids back that night so you could have Christmas morning with them. (My thoughts: Wait, you're not even going to be with us Christmas morning?) Then you can take them to see your family the following week and get a hotel room. (We normally get a hotel room together with the kids when we visit my family because they're 400 miles away. I can't imagine staying in a hotel room by myself with my son and daughter.

Me: (About to burst into tears because I thought my husband was warming up to me, but he wants to put even more space between us and apparently is even planning to ruin Christmas). I'm going to have to think about this.

We went into the living room and talked for a minute and I said calmly without crying that this is exactly the type of situation that made me not want to get divorced. I want my children with me on Christmas Eve. It's not only a special holiday in my husband's family, but before my grandmother died it was a special holiday in my own family and a memory that in the midst of my terrible childhood, is one of the good ones. I was looking forward to always sharing Christmas Eve with my children and yes, Christmas morning. We talked a tiny bit about what divorce would look like. I talked about finding an email recently I sent him when our son was a year old that involved me lecturing him about not buying the right rice for a dinner I was making and I told him honestly, I would without a doubt strongly consider divorcing that person too, and that I completely understand where he's coming from. He said he appreciated me acknowledging his feelings. I also said I wasn't trying to pressure him into counseling but that just from my own moral beliefs that we should explore all options before making any decisions. I recently saw a pro-marriage counselor myself who I noticed had a MWD book on his shelf and he said if my husband was willing he would like to see him by himself. I told my husband tonight that if it comes down to signing papers I would not sign anything until we had seen a counselor and that I would prefer to discuss the issues we're discussing, like holidays, etc. in the presence of a counselor. Part of this is because I have never been able to discuss any of this with my husband without almost having a complete mental breakdown.

After my husband left my son called out to me. I went to his room and he asked me to tuck him back in and said "What were you and daddy saying about Christmas and family?" I gave him a big kiss as I fought back huge tears and said it was nothing. My husband and mother in law have told me to just say that Daddy's at work when my son asks where his dad is.

I can't even describe the pain I'm in. None of this seems real. This can't actually be happening.