The Black Knight Lost in the End

[LoisB]

First off,

Thanks to everyone for caring enough to throw in your opinion, thoughts, concerns and feelings.

I love you all very much.

I've never taken 5 Prozac before and won't do it again. I felt desperate because I had to get the paper out today and I just didn't have the energy.

Anyway. I promise I will make the best decision for me and the kids.

I have been feeling suicidal and that scares me. The last thing any of us need right now Heather outta commission or dead. It's been a long time since I've felt so desperate or full of despair.

Today, this morning, felt good to me because I felt like I had a choice. Life really nailed it the other day when he said that I feel outta control since Smokey keeps throwing all the punches.

I'm not sure my Atty is the type to throw punches. I feel really vulnerable right now.

The most important thing to me, right now, in this moment, is my sanity and my sense of choice. As it stands, here I am, again, with my life swirling because of Smokey's allegations and letters...It feels like that scene in the first Harry Potter where all those letters keep arriving from Hogwarts. I dread the mail and my email now.