New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[MCS]

okjpc,

Some advice what worked for me:
-No R talks at all........these are going to have to wait (I always mess this up)
-Contact a Lawyer
-Send her something written about necessities that are needed for agreement: money, kids, property. If she still doesn't answer back, get something formal (separation agreement.) It won't feel that this make sense at first to do....see below
-Make sure she realizes that you are working on the business aspect only, stop contacting her about anything else

My story

My W and I have had almost zero communication since the beginning. I was really unsure why in the beginning and then I started to piece together that there was an OM. I had no clue until she left, but I believe that a lot of the no communication was guilt or fear of letting something slip. Also, I think she's been trying to convince herself I'm horrible and needs to pursue OM with everything (he hasn't left his R) She also cut off all communication with her friends/family (guilt/embarrassment, I guess)

She left and actually used friends as proxies for communicating and transfer of the kids for the first month. Also, wouldn't let me know where she lived. The second month was not much better, she wouldn't answer any of my calls, pretty much dropped the kids off at the house (her friends started to refuse to be proxies) and would leave right away.

She first reached out and communicated two months later when she informed me she bought a house and sent me a draft separation agreement. Luckily, I had found out about OM in the meantime and was holding the cards when she sent me the email. I confronted her on it, she back tracked for a couple days. We talked a lot those days, but then she shut down again. That was a 1.5 months ago. We set up a counselor (mediator) at that time and have been going each week, but that had been ineffective as she has not honored things that we discussed.

Anyway, after much thought and convincing from the board here, I had decided to become 'all business' for the most part. You need to wait until you detach enough or it will eat you up emotionally because it seems like you are doing things to push her away. If you read here, it actually seems to have the opposite effect.

So, dark again for the most part until just this week. She wanted to come to pick up her stuff at the house and said I'm not to be there. I said "no, I will be there." I added some stuff about how our property should be divided and if she didn't want to work through it with me, that this is the list of things that she provides any 'monetary value' to in a seperation. Basically, I would not be accountable for paying her half of what was remaining. We had some heated exchanges about that via email yesterday.

So prior to this, she's been doing pretty much whatever she has wanted with kids, finances, property, etc. Today, I put together a list of things prior to a separation agreement and gave it to the counselor. We had a very difficult, heated discussion about trust and how it affects the kids and my protection of them. A long story about that, but then after getting that out of the way, she was receptive to working and discussing the arrangements in the temporary agreement.

She may go dark again, I don't know, but this is my experience. Try to get the business stuff going as soon as possible, its counter-intuitive but needs to happen at some point anyway. It also starts to have our WAS begin to deal with the reality of their decisions. Its not an 'extended vacation' from you anymore.