I am have been reading your old posts and you have been incredibly brave. You have accomplished so much under really difficult circumstances. Please take a deep breath and give yourself an atta' girl. Seriously, close your eyes for a minute, breath and think about how far you've come.
I have read your story but I am also enough of an outsider and what I keep reading is fear. Not inability but fear. I bet it is that gut wrenching, bone crushing, punch in the gut feeling of fear. You are letting the fear drive your life. I bet you are tired too. I know when I get exhausted the fear seeps out of my pores until I am truly possessed and usually paralyzed. Kind of like a deer in headlights.
Right now it sounds like your ONLY priority should be your job. This opportunity is the gateway to freedom. It has the potential to give you financial and emotional freedom from all the crap you left behind.
My sense is that if you can just focus completely on the job all the other things will fall into line eventually. Pretend you're Steve Jobs or Mary Kay or Dianne Sawyer - anyone who was obsessed and focused on their career. They didn't apologize. If this were one of those people they would call the attorney and say "I am busy. Fix it so it will not interfere with what I have to do." If the attorney can't fix it with the money he has then withdraw and stick with temporary support. Tell him to tell the judge you have to work. Judges respect work. Smokey will fear your work. You will get stronger and only then when you say it is time will you take your focus away from your career. Be relentless and don't apologize.
I think if your daughter sees you kicking a$$ and taking names so you shine at work she will understand. I have a daughter who has learning differences and she is literal. Don't beat around the bush. Tell her this is what you must do and you need her support. She will help you stay focused.
You can do this. I just feel like you are meant to succeed but you are too scared to see it right now. Please try to be kind to yourself. Just focus on the job. No apologies and no regrets.
Sorry if I sound too bossy. I am still trying to find my voice in cyberspace. All I am trying to say is stay focused on the task at hand. Make a list - one for work and one for home. Do not worry about the other when you are not there. Only work the list in front of you and focus completely on the task at hand. You will feel stronger. You will master things bit by bit. You will not feel so scattered. If you feel more in control you will look more in control and people will respond to that.
I just thing you are spinning and you have more options than you think. Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
