Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7

[Jefe]

It sounded to me like W was going about her business, she decided she wanted this and not that, and didn't much care if you were inconvenienced. And when you asked her to help after she dropped them off (because she "wants Sundays") she said she didn't want to "hang around".

Presumably because you're there?

Yes. Exactly. She has not much cared if I'm inconvenienced for the last 3 months. I don't think it has so much to do with me being here at all, she's got this thing about not wanting to be around the house. It's just one of those things I don't understand.

It could sound like you're insinuating that she doesn't have a handle on things, when I think you were just trying to make sure the lunches were covered.

It wasn't even that bad. We both came to the realization that we were unprepared for this first time Sunday night thing. We bot agreed we will have it covered next time. The anger from her did not come until later when I asked her to stay tomorrow morning and help get them ready. Like she did the entire month of Aug. I didn't think I was asking for something that would make her angry. I know now.

Jefe, PLAN on her dropping the ball.
YOU make sure to be prepared so you don't get caught short.
That way you don't get angry at her for letting you down while you continue to get things done.

She has let them down time after time. I am now at the point that I never tell the girls when she is going to come over or be somewhere with them until I have absolute conformation.

I usually have everything covered, I just didn't think this Sunday night thing through until this morning and by then it was too late.

No. It's not fair. But unfortunately, you sort of have to act like a single father right now.
She's not going to be as responsible as you'd like, and you're going to have to pick up more of the slack. It's what happens.
Most of our WAS don't get awards for "Parent of the Year" while they're in whatever fantasy-land they're living in.

So you plan on doing it.
Only because if she doesn't do it, someone has to.

And that's you, Super-Dad.

What pains me the most is she's an awesome mom. She has been an absolute gem of a mother to these children. I cannot wrap my head around whats going on in her's right now. All she seems to think about at the moment is her. My wife would never have not been prepared for these girls. She has NEVER not done what she said she was going to do before the separation.

And thank you, GGG, but I hardly feel like super dad right now. I feel so incapable some days. It's all I can do some mornings to just get up out of bed and put my shoes on let alone put on a PMA face for my girls so I can tackle caring for them, trying to work, taking care of the house, the fish, the dogs, the guinea pigs, do the dishes, the laundry, homework, bathe the kids, take care of my Grandmother, keep up with everyone's cars, oh and try and GAL somewhere in there. ..I'm so overwhelmed sometimes.

I'm doing the best I know how to do. And yes, I get a little resentful when my wife is out playing like she is 23 again and yet, dammit, I love her.

And I tell you what, if it wasn't for all of you on these forums, I would have collapsed back in September. So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for God, my children and these DB forums, and my wife too.

[Jefe]

She just texted wanting some random stuff and then called just to talk about all sorts of things.

Oil changes, replacement driver's licenses, speeding tickets, movies, the kids playing at McDonalds, and shopping malls...lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

And this is one of the reasons I love her and one more thing to be thankful for.

[twinmom]

Starsky and Train had me limit my communication with Mr. Twin to once a day. They had me not respond to him (unless urgent) to keep my pma up. I think you might want to consider doing the same.

[Jefe]

I think I need to look at your past stuff for sure.

Thank you, Twin. I do value your opinion.

[theoden]

Hope414,

I'm sure your story might be very helpful and encouraging to us. We'd love to hear how your marriage was turned around.

My story, unfortunately, is more about how NOT to save your marriage. I serve more as a red-flag for common mistakes one can make when faced with a WAS and infidelity.

--Theoden

[labug]

What is your agreement with W about visitation?

Perhaps you need some boundaries?

About expectations and not wrapping your head around what your W is doing, you can stop that. When the the questioning enters your head, you say, isn't that interesting and let it go.

Every time you want to go back to that thought, do the same thing. Here's the kicker, unless your W tells you exactly what she's thinking, you won't ever know. So the only meaning her confusing actions/reactions take on is what you give them.

So give them none.

My favorite 12 step slogan Q-Tip Quit taking it personally.

[Shakspr]

Jefe, it's just me checking in. Blessings upon you and your house. This, even ALL THIS is temporary.

I'm trying to get back in the game and lend an ear to those who need it. We're all with you.

I'd like to say what you've been hearing from others in a different way, one that you'll understand. But I've got nothing original. So try this for perspective: reread your threads start to finish, pick a positive to build on (in YOU!) and one negative to eliminate. If you are even a little objective I guarantee that you will see some patterns you can use.

[Jefe]

What is your agreement with W about visitation?

Perhaps you need some boundaries?

There is no agreement, other than she wants them to spend the afternoon and night with her on Sundays. I think we may need to iron this out a little better.

About expectations and not wrapping your head around what your W is doing, you can stop that. When the the questioning enters your head, you say, isn't that interesting and let it go.

Every time you want to go back to that thought, do the same thing. Here's the kicker, unless your W tells you exactly what she's thinking, you won't ever know. So the only meaning her confusing actions/reactions take on is what you give them.

So give them none.

My favorite 12 step slogan Q-Tip Quit taking it personally.

That is a great idea.

Jefe, it's just me checking in. Blessings upon you and your house. This, even ALL THIS is temporary.

I'm trying to get back in the game and lend an ear to those who need it. We're all with you.

I'd like to say what you've been hearing from others in a different way, one that you'll understand. But I've got nothing original. So try this for perspective: reread your threads start to finish, pick a positive to build on (in YOU!) and one negative to eliminate. If you are even a little objective I guarantee that you will see some patterns you can use.

Thank you Shake. I'll try and start working on that tonight.

When you say, "she was acting very 'wifey' with honey-do lists and instructions about what she thought I should be doing with my time since she was going to have the kids tonight."

My definition and your definition of behaviors are probably very different. Couples develop a language unique and distinct to their individual relationship.

What was she doing that made you interpret her behaviors to mean this. And why did you infer this as "wifey" and "honey-do list" behaviors for your wife?

Hope, IDK. It was a combination of her obvious comfort level that day and the tasks she was asking of me that made me feel like she was in "wife" mode and not WAS mode. All until I asked her to help the next morning. Then the attitude went south rapidly. The positive vibes could be just wishful thinking on my part.

Monday morning, she dropped the girls off and stuck around for about 10 minutes then left. She ended up not having to work so she went back home and went to bed for several hours. When she got up we spoke and texted through-out the afternoon about car insurance and whatnot and she stopped by the house to pick up something. She expressed a lot of her feelings to me about money and finances, even cried at one point and I just listened and reflected.

This morning we spoke several times about the insurance. I took care of some things that bothered her about it and called to let her know her new insurance card was here waiting at the house for her.

I left to go take care of a job and since she had the day off again she went to the school to eat lunch with the girls.

I came back to the house to drop off some equipment and pick up different equipment and we ended up pulling up at the same time.
She was very playful and flirty while she was here. I know this may sound like a strange thing to notice or post about, but since the separation went south in Sept, whenever she uses the bathroom here she has always shut and sometimes locked the door even. Today she left it open and continued to carry on a conversation with me.

She also had me look at some things on the car. Check the tires, mysterious noises, etc...

Just before she left she mentioned the free consultation with the mediator was scheduled for the 17th.

She called after she left to thank me for taking care of that. She said, 'You have no idea how taking care of that made me feel today.' or something to that effect.

This is why Jefe gets confused. But wait.

"Oh, isn't that interesting."

[GoatGal]

Jefe,

It might be interesting--but best to say:
"It was my pleasure". With a smile.

And say no more.

Keep it up!

---(G)GGG

[SunnyB]

Jefe, just checking in on you. You seem to be a little overwhelmed lately. How are you today?