Thank god for this forum! It has helped get me through the day some days. I felt, after lurking for a month or two, that it was time to tell my story. You guys seems so supportive and genuinely caring.
My H and I married 14 years. No children by choice. Just into our seventh year of marriage my H got wrapped up in his online gaming and associated friends, and basically ignored me every evening and every weekend for months, plugged into a headset for hours on end. I went through that period feeling invisible and and not interesting or attractive to him. My Insecurities and self esteem issues kicked in. Just at that same time, the husband of the couple that were our best friends was going through a similar thing with his wife who was (understandably) wrapped up in their new set of twins just born. He was also feeling invisible and unappreciated by his spouse. We started to sympathize with each other and an EA started, which turned into a PA. In total, EA and PA happened over a period of about 8 weeks. I knew part way into that 8 weeks that I had made a terrible mistake and did not have real feelings for this man, but at that point, to justify what I was doing, I just pushed that feeling down inside and kept going because I didn’t know how else to deal with what I knew was a terrible thing I was doing. The OM and I got sloppy about covering our tracks (maybe I wanted to get caught?) and his W came across some emails...busted. I sat my H down that evening, so he would hear it from me directly, and told him everything. He sat there for a long time without saying a word. Then he got up and left without saying a word. Hours later he came home and told me that he loved me, could not imagine his life without me, and was willing to try and get past what had happened. That, unfortunately, was the only discussion we ever had about what had happened. After that day we stuck a bandaid on our marriage and went forward. It took about a year for things to start feeling normal again, but eventually we got back to a normal way of interacting with each other and appeared outwardly happy. I had no clue at all how much he held on to all the anger and pain and resentment for the next 8 years.
Fast forward 7 and a half years from affair, for about 6 months prior to the final straw at the beginning July 2014 , I had noticed that H was depressed, distant, crabby, losing weight, and just generally not himself. We had just spent from Nov 2013 to Feb 2014 nursing our very sick 14 year old dog through a nasty illness. It had affected us both very deeply as we do not have children and she was our baby. She passed away at the beginning of Feb 2014. I just assumed that this had something to do with the way he was acting. I tried several times to talk to him about what was going on with him. He just kept telling me everything was fine. Finally, on July 4th it came out. We had had a particularly nasty argument were neither of us were speaking to each other. I made one final nasty dig at him and and he finally he blew up at me and said “This is what has been bothering me for the last six months”: “I don’t love you anymore”, “I have been trying to get over your affair for eight years but I can’t get past it”, “I don’t want to be married to you anymore, I want to separate”.
I was horrified to hear it out loud but, honestly, not really surprised by it after the distance I had felt for the past 6 months.
As we require two incomes to pay the mortgage and the bills, he was not able to afford to move out on his own immediately. He instead moved into our guest bedroom where he still continues to sleep today.
For the next two days after his blow up I begged, pleaded, cried, asked for us to go to counseling. As you can imagine, it all fell on deaf ears. He was done and he could not see anything changing his mind.
In desparation I started googling how to save a marriage. I did not immediately find Michelle and her books, but luckily, I found a man who has very similar theories to hers and listened intently to his podcasts. His podcasts started me down the right road. From that day on I sucked it up, stopped crying and nagging, put on a brave face, and started working on making myself happy. Just doing that alone slowly started making a difference between my H and I. For the first month and a half he still talked about how I needed to learn to do things on my own for when he finally moved out. But, as I was just going about my business, taking walks in the evenings, sitting on the deck with a glass of wine and a book, and basically leaving him alone, he slowly started to realize I wasn’t going to self destruct at any moment and he began to relax around me and actually join me on my walks and for a glass of wine on the deck. He still talked of leaving but my positive attitude seemed to open a door to us hanging out again.
One mid August afternoon, as we still akwardly but somewhat peacefully continued to deal with each other, we naturally fell to talking. I told him that I wanted him to understand that although he may want our marriage to end that I did not, that I was working on making myself happy, and that I hoped he would at least consider the possibility of working on our marriage. I also told him to take as long as he needed to figure things out. That I would not push him. He responded by saying that, since his outburst in July he felt that some of his pent up anger had already dissipated, and that although he was not willing to commit to anything at the moment he understood that I wanted to work things out. It felt like a somewhat positive conversation.
Two months in, still sleeping separately, he agreed to go on an already booked vacation to Vegas that we had planned with another couple. That trip went ok. He still kept his emotional wall up but, overall we had a good time together on the trip. We did sleep in the same bed in the hotel. His choice. He booked the king instead of two queens.
So, today, 4 and a half months later, I have read both Michelle’s books and am trying hard to put them into practice. We still sleep in separate rooms. My husband has not mentioned moving out of the house in several months. He has made no move to separate our bank accounts or bills. We have not told our friends or families that we are having issues. My choice, which he agreed to, as I did not want a bunch of unsolicited advice or pressure. We still do things socially as a couple. We are occasionally intimate, although he does not allow any kissing or cuddling or anything affectionate. For the most part he keeps his emotional wall up between us. He is always polite, sometimes friendly and interested, but still emotionally distant at all times. He never mentions any plans for the future together, but he no longer mentions plans to be apart either.
I remain open, friendly, easy going, non confrontational. I don’t pressure him. I don’t try and have relationship talks with him. I continue to do things for him that I would have done before, like laundry or making dinner
In typing this all out, I can see the baby steps that have happened. It just feels like we are stuck in a holding pattern at this point. He can be a bit of a procrastinator and I sometimes wonder if he has just gotten lazy and complacent and into a kind of comfortable rut with how our life is.
I realize patience, patience, patience is the key. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but my marriage is worth it. I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else.
Welcome to the club that no one wants to be in, yet we're lucky to be here.
Usually Cadet gets on here and posts a welcome that includes some specific reading and homework for you to get started with your serious DBing.
(I don't want to take him for granted, so Thanks, Cadet, for all you do!)
While you're waiting you should read as much as you can of other people's sitches, which it sounds like you've already been doing.
You will be on moderation for awhile, so it may take some time for your posts to show up.
It sounds like you're already off to a pretty good start, and things have calmed down in your M because you got yourself under control.
Hang in there and keep us up-to-date on your progress.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Since you read the books, have you come up with your 'to do' list of things to try and increase positive interactions and connections with your H? At this point, it seems like you need to re-establish trust with him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi. You come to the right place. The vets will give you expert advice and the rest of us can offer moral support. Your in a great place compared to a lot of people on here so I wish you all the best. Rd
MrBond, I have really struggled with trying to come up with "to do" lists with regards to him. My H is very good with the cool distant demeanor and I am finding it near impossible to find things to break that demeanor down, even for short periods of time.
I try to do things I know usually pique his interests. For example: he is not a big cook himself but he has always been interested when I try out new recipes, so I have been looking up recipes and testing out a few new ones a week. He always has an interest in what I am doing and will usually hang out in the kitchen with me to watch and chat.
He also loves photography and actually (unexpected surprise!)he bought me a very nice camera for my recent birthday. I don't know a thing about photography so this has put him in a position of spending time with me to teach me how to use it (intentional on his part?). I have been using this as a common interest between us. Hopefully a hobby we will be able to do together.
I have also been slowly working up the amount of couples activities we do together. At first it was just the odd thing for appearances sake since we had not told our friends or family what was happening, but I have been slowly pushing the boundaries and pushing plans just a little further into the future. Instead of day by day I am going week by week now. I even got a commitment out of him for an outing in mid December.
He still has not verbally committed to working on our marriage but at least he doesn't seem to be running away from it anymore either.
rd500. Thanks so much! I totally appreciate that I am in a better position than most. I don't let myself forget it for a second. It is with the help of Michelle and this great forum that I have gotten this far. I could not have done it without you all.
I have been doing my best to follow Divorce Busting rules for the last five months. I don't whine and cry, I don't try to discuss relationship issues etc. Eight years ago I had a brief affair. H tried to get past it but finally snapped after holding it all in for eight years. I got the "I don't love you anymore" speech on July 4th this year and was told that his intentions were to leave me. As he could not afford to move out immediately he moved into the guest room, where he remains. He is very distant towards me still, but has not mentioned going our separate ways for about 3 months or so. He has not verbally agreed to work on our marriage at any point but he still does "couples" things with me when the mood suits him and we still live basically like we are married, eating meals together, going to occasional get togethers together etc. I feel like Divorce Busters has helped get us to a more friendly non combative place, yet he remains cool, distant, and will not show any affection. I went to counseling alone in July for a couple sessions. H would not come with me. The counselor said that at some point I would have to draw a line and confront H on what his intentions are. That I could not just let things go on indefinitely. That thinking seems to go against what Divorce Busters says, where patience and giving space is a key thing. But I wonder, how do you know the difference between H just needing a long time to heal from his pain, or if he is just procrastinating and in a sort of comfortable rut where he just doesn't have the guts to make the final cut to our marriage? How long is too long to continue the space and patience route?
Patience, patience, patience is the key it seems, but, when forced to put a smile on your face and put up patiently, day after day, with a spouse who is acting like a selfish spoiled teenager who could give a crap about your needs or wants...how do you all manage the anger and resentment that naturally builds up? I can understand what place the resentment is coming from and why, but, as time goes forward, it is getting harder and harder for me to keep it in check. It is building inside of me and I worry about the damage it will cause to our marriage. How do you all handle it?
I have been doing my best to follow Divorce Busting rules for the last five months. I don't whine and cry, I don't try to discuss relationship issues etc. Eight years ago I had a brief affair. H tried to get past it but finally snapped after holding it all in for eight years. I got the "I don't love you anymore" speech on July 4th this year and was told that his intentions were to leave me. As he could not afford to move out immediately he moved into the guest room, where he remains. He is very distant towards me still, but has not mentioned going our separate ways for about 3 months or so. He has not verbally agreed to work on our marriage at any point but he still does "couples" things with me when the mood suits him and we still live basically like we are married, eating meals together, going to occasional get togethers together etc. I feel like Divorce Busters has helped get us to a more friendly non combative place, yet he remains cool, distant, and will not show any affection. I went to counseling alone in July for a couple sessions. H would not come with me. The counselor said that at some point I would have to draw a line and confront H on what his intentions are. That I could not just let things go on indefinitely. That thinking seems to go against what Divorce Busters says, where patience and giving space is a key thing. But I wonder, how do you know the difference between H just needing a long time to heal from his pain, or if he is just procrastinating and in a sort of comfortable rut where he just doesn't have the guts to make the final cut to our marriage? How long is too long to continue the space and patience route?
Stick to one thread brought this over from the new one that you started
