I you read other sitches and see yourself in them, and this frightens you--that's a good thing.
When something "stings" or brings up uncomfortable feelings like that, those are the things you should be exploring.
If you're scared that your actions might have been the death knell to your M, then maybe that's the wake-up call you needed. Use that feeling of fear to get this under control and be a better man.
That's what fear is. A call to action.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Vertex do not compare our stiches. Im impressed that a 29 year old man wants to save a marriage. There is a lot of good in you.
I am today thankful that my ex divorced me. hard to understand huh? Yes i still hurt and wish i could have saved my marriage and family. But I have finally matured
I continue to work through the grieving process. But im happier everyday.
In regards to why we didnt reconciled? It wasnt meant to be.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
And im in a new relationship. I am so much more careful and aware of my behaviors than ever. I listen to every word I utter. I express my happiness and discontents I dont bottle stuff up to use later. Im up front. I am willing to walk away and terminate the relationship and not sit back and take it. Criticism are not welcome from either of us. Growing pains I guess
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Be the bigger man here, Vertex. All it takes is one phone call from you to your L and advise him to drop the RO/Order of Protection against your W. Have him communicate this to W's L. You can only control what YOU can do. What your W does or doesn't do is out of your control.
Keep working on your issues with your IC, group therapy, whatnot. You're headed in the right direction.
It was my W's lawyer who wanted the mutual restraining order and my lawyer suggested we agree to it. The mutual RO states that my W and I can have no contact until the D is final except for emergency communications about the children. That's it. I don't know how to get the RO dropped without my W's help, and I doubt she'd want to drop it. But we really need to start talking, I think... before she loses her love for me and is completely happy where she's at.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
I don't know if I should have my L try to reduce the RO, or go another route instead. My IC thinks I should ask my MIL if my W would take a letter from me. It's a letter of empathy and validation, and if my W agrees to take it he suggests I add an addendum asking for a chance to talk wherever and with whoever as a chaperone--basically in any way she wants in order to help her feel safe since she doesn't feel safe with me right now.
What do you all think? I don't want to push her away with my pursuing, and yet I haven't seen any other sitch in these forums where the W has a mutual RO and has been completely NC for 7 weeks.
I'm just afraid that if we continue with the NC without any attempt by me to talk with her and to show her I want to work things out, that she'll simply continue walking away as she grows to like her new life more and more.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
It was my W's lawyer who wanted the mutual restraining order and my lawyer suggested we agree to it. The mutual RO states that my W and I can have no contact until the D is final except for emergency communications about the children. That's it.
I'd suggest that you work with your own L and see if you can have him/her to remove your own RO against your W. Tell your L that mutual RO is not helping the communication issue at all. You would want to instruct your L to work this out. If your W is against removing hers, so be it. Do your OWN PART in this process.
Originally Posted By: vertex
My IC thinks I should ask my MIL if my W would take a letter from me. It's a letter of empathy and validation, and if my W agrees to take it he suggests I add an addendum asking for a chance to talk wherever and with whoever as a chaperone--basically in any way she wants in order to help her feel safe since she doesn't feel safe with me right now.
DBing advises against writing letters to the WAS for the following reasons:
-It allows the WAS space to process their emotions/thoughts -Writing letters is a form of pressure on the WAS -Writing letters just will make them shut down further because of the pressure and MOST IMPORTANTLY... -It simply conveys to W that you don't give chit about her RO which would be a very bad move on your part -Never involved the IL's in your situation. Leave them out of it.
In your particular case, we would strongly advise you against writing a letter. Now is not the time to do so.
Forget about the letter, buddy.
Please keep us posted on what you find out from your L about dropping your own RO against your wife.
How do I leave my ILs out of my situation? My wife and kids live with them and my MIL is the official liaison for any communication about the kids.
Does DB advise against writing letters to a WAW if the WAW walked away due to abuse and emotional affairs from her H? That's the situation I'm in. My W has no OM--she left because she couldn't put up with my emotional/verbal abuse and some flirting I unfortunately did with her friend (things I am getting help for now).
I feel awful and ashamed just typing all that out.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
I am glad you're putting it all out here so we can help you navigate through this minefield.
First thing you will need to do is find out from your L about dropping your RO against your W. That is the most important step. From there, we can figure out how to keep the communications flow with MIL as the gatekeeper.
You ask a good question:
Originally Posted By: vertex
Does DB advise against writing letters to a WAW if the WAW walked away due to abuse and emotional affairs from her H?
It is not just specific to abuse or emotional affairs. Globally speaking, DB discourages letters to the WAS because it is a form of pressure and pursuit. Especially if one takes into abuse into account. For the time being, it is vital and imperative that you show respect for W's need to be apart from you.
It will take a long time for her walls to come down. Use the gift of time to work on YOU and your issues. Please use the time wisely.
I will talk to my lawyer, hopefully today, about dropping my side of the mutual RO. You don't think that would push my W away or be seen as pursuing?
I keep stressing this because it's so important and because I need to keep this at the forefront of my mind: My W left because (1) I was emotionally/verbally/and sometimes physically abusive (not trying to minimize the abuse, but I never intentionally hit her but would throw things and have accidentally hit her while hitting something else in my anger--I have, however, grabbed her at times, but never to hurt her physically), and (2) I had EAs (one of which turned physical one time) and even inappropriately talked to one of her friends.
Now, at the time I thought I simply had a bad temper and an anger problem and I was able to justify my EAs because of my W's lack of intimacy and her own EA. However, I never knew the full depths of the pain and hurt I caused my W until she left. She never talked to me about how I was making her feel (I'm sure she was scared to talk), and we had so many good times together that I thought the bad and angry times were balanced out. But what a huge wake-up call, and that's why I'm here. Again, I refuse to be the man I used to be an am getting help via an abuse/anger management program and a sexual addiction program, along with other things. I may say these things matter-of-factly, but in the last two months I have felt such huge amounts of remorse, sadness, and humility for what I've done. Thankfully I believe that a person can be changed.
With all that said, I do want to give my W the time and space she needs to heal and to feel safe again while also fighting for this M and my boys. We haven't spoken for 7 weeks now, and I'd like to start opening up a line of communication without scaring my W, so I will go ahead and get my side of the mutual RO dropped.
Do you think a letter would push my W away if I asked my MIL to ask my W if she would accept a letter before I give one?
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
