{{{disconnected}}} Don’t get too disheartened reading this forum. Remember we are all in the same situation here and mostly our stories are very similar. Keep reading and posting and you will be amazed at how much help you get. Read the SSM book and also “The Five Love Languages”. Don’t expect fast progress (as all us HDs do) but take things in “baby steps”. Use this site to let off steam and rant about your frustrations. I can feel in my bones that my situation is improving (after 22 years of SSM) and I promise that I will post any positive progress here and not just leave the forum when I think that I'm sorted. SD
Quote: I figure at 54, if we separate I'll probably be alone, but I think it's better than feeling alone when you're with your spouse.
First, I think 54 is young. I'm 48, my NDW is 50, and I expect to be sexually active for at least another 20 or 30 years (maybe not with LDW, tho). I also agree with you that I'm concluding being TRULY alone would be preferable to being "alone with mate". At least then I could deal with my own issues, do what I want when I want, and not have to worry about her issues as well. I also think you should realize that the sitch for older divorcees is bound to be improving, just because more of us are living longer and healthier. I do remember reading that older single women outnumber older single men by a wide margin, tho, so I could be all wet, but then find someone younger! Check out the "Older women" mags in stores - it's cool for younger men to like older ladies these days - nowhere near as frowned upon as in yesteryear.
Then she said:
Quote: If there is anyone out there who has solved this problem without just killing off their own sex drive, I'd like to hear from them. TO YOU MEN, IT'S HARDER BEING AN HD WOMAN WITH AN LD MAN BECAUSE SOCIETY DOESN'T ACCEPT THAT. My girlfriends are always talking about how much sex their husbands always want, and I just sit there smiling but crying inside. HOW DO I KNOW I'M NOT JUST A COVER AND MY HUSBAND IS GAY INSTEAD OF LD.
I really feel for you, but it's not really any easier for me, when I'm with a group of people who are joking about their SL, and not having one myself. As for your last question, I think you'll have to explore that one yourself. Has H ever shown any interest in men? Conversely, has he NEVER shown any interest in women in general? I wouldn't necessarily conclude he's gay, he just may be so LD as to be virtually ND, and especially as he ages, he may decide he's more comfortable without sex, which means you'll have a "hard" (sorry) decision to make.
I check out all the women I can, particularly the women around 40. I check for rings. I check to see how they look. I wonder though among the 35+ crowd of women that are probably divorced, why are they divorced. Could most of them ALSO be LD women. I have to believe that most marraiges end for be SSM's and in most of thost cases it was the women that failed. So this holds me back. I flat out want to spend the rest of my life with my lover. That's the only real criteria for a great marriage for me. I would love my wife to be my lover, but unless her sex drive magically reappears, she will never be my lover again.
YES!!!!!!!!!!! There are HD women out there 35 or older. I have 4 GF's that are. All 4 of them have been married before and All 4 of them left their marriage due to lack of physical fullfulment (not just sex, but touching, cuddling, kissing and the like)
You know full well that there are plenty of HD women out here, frustrated to all he!! because of the LD or ND husbands that we have.
Disconnected, I have a similar situation with my H, maby twice a year for the past ten years and nothing for the past 15 months. He is not gay, he has no interest whatsoever, and I am not going to live with that the rest of my life. Other men deisire me, and while I know that there is a real possibility of being alone the rest of my life, it is preferable than living a lie. I have not had a marriage, at least what I would call a marriage for many years, and we are getting a D. He would not admit to and refused to work on our problems with me. I cannot make him love me for the woman that I am. He also cannot love himself.
Get into some counseling if nothing else, just for yourself to give you strength and boost your self esteem. Sometimes it just ain't worth trying to fix if you are as dead inside as I have been.
They are out there CeMar. I didn't believe it until I met one aged 40. She told me her H had dried up on her and that she couldn't live without lots of sex. She told me I was only the second guy she had fallen in love with and the first was not her H. When she kissed me she practically sucked my crowns out and my teeth were left pearly white. I was completely besotted with her but age gives you the gift of cynicism and I was not in so much euphoria that I didn't notice some scary behaviour like sudden mood swings, inconsistent stories about her situation and her apparent lifestyle of serially dating guys she met in bars. Our R never actually became sexual (other then talking about it) but she asked me 4 times to leave my W and be with her but each time I could not face leaving my children and the comfort of my own home. Not to mention the financial worries - she could have been upto her eyeballs in debt for all I knew. The HD women are out there but sex is only one part of their package. I now feel relieved that I stayed with my lovely W and Cs. SD
There you go again, assuming that the marriages ended for these women in their 30's or 40's because they were LD and their H's got rid of them. Bull Hocky!!! You don't know and won't know what happenned if you don't ask. Why wiould they tell you, either. None of your business at this point, you are fantasizing again. You are making an assumption based on YOUR situation.
Stop laying all of the blame on marriages ending at the feet of LD women. Men are to blame for marrages ending, too, or have you not seen enough of that here on these boards? That is a very narrow view of life and you cannot find fulfillment in life with a narrow view of it.
As far as looks go, does every woman have to meet certain criteria that is socially acceptable for you? The thin, dammned near anorexic with the multiple plastic surgeries to falsely enhance their self esteem because they cannot be comfortable with growing more mature? Well then, I want the same for every dammned guy I meet, too. Enlarged pecks, liposuctioned tummies, and I sure as hell want them to have surgically enlarged "willies" cause I am sick and tired of small ones, like men who want huge breasts, some women want larger penises.
My vent aside, what is wrong with looking at real women that do not fit the "stereotype of beauty" I'm sick of men being shallow and going for the younger women and not appreciating mature beauty. I agree that physical attractiveness is important, but so is a keen sense of humor, an active mind, a self assurance that comes with knowing yourself and many mature women have so much more to offer than "what you first see."
From reading experts books on the subject, one of them said that in 90% of marriage counseling, he had to teach the women to be their husbands lovers. So if 90% of couples going to counseling have problems with LD females, I am assuming that divorced couples are similar. Obviously there are other reasons for divorce too.
Now as for the way a women should look, well lets say that I married my first wife for her personality first and her looks second. But she gained weight and has never been comfortable with her "cuteness". So my wife has SEVERE body image issues and I had nothing to do with it. I am happy with her. But if I were looking for a new woman, I probably would shy away from women that are not in the greatest shape because I do not want to have another women with BODY ISSUES, I want a woman that is very comfortable with the way she looks.
As for younger women, that I don't necessarily want. I want someone near my own age. But I can see why men that have affairs go for younger women. It is simple, they tend to be more sexual.
So if I were on the market, I would be looking to find a cute, somewhat in shape women in the 35-45 age range. Someone who has no hangups about her body, should LOVE sex and affection, and have no hangups about sex.
And yes, I am in pretty good shape, and getting better all the time. I hope to have at least the first glimmer of 6 pack abs by the end of the year.
