I guess I'm just not sure what to do right now. It's been almost six weeks since my wife and I have spoken and since she moved out with the boys and filed the Order of Protection.
Since then, I've taken very long and painful looks at my past behavior and have implemented changes while also asking God into my heart to improve me from within, which I've never done.
I have joined a weekly abuse program, have surrounded myself with Godly men, am getting treatment for my OCD (this was something that really bothered my wife), and am simply not going back to the mean, critical, emotionally abusive man I used to be. I am happy with the nice, peaceful, calm guy I am now, but just hope my W can see it.
It's been six weeks and in this time my W hasn't talked to me at all. However, her MIL has said things like they've noticed and are impressed with my pleasant attitude, my W still loves me, my W wanted to stay by my side if my problems were just from my OCD, my FIL said there's a 50/50 chance of us getting back together, etc. I hear positive things from my W's parents, and yet my W keeps moving forward with the D.
For example, recently I received my Interrogatories and Requests for Production, which means I've got a lot of questions to answer about my past indiscretions and my finances and documents to furnish supporting such answers. It's a lot of work and it feels so defeating when at other times my W's family seems to say positive things about my W and how she feels about me.
So I'm just not sure what to do and it's easy to lose hope. Also, my two boys say they want us back together and that breaks my heart.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
I really admire the steps you've taken to change yourself. If you will be continue in these areas, you can't help but grow into a new man (as long as you have the right attitude).
I know six weeks for you is like a lifetime, but for the WAW it is not much at all. The space will help. Don't give up. She will have a lot to work through.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, sandi, for the encouragement. My attitude is one of humility. I know I hurt my W deeply with my put-downs, criticisms, emotional/verbal abuse, etc. It [censored]. At the time I didn't really know I was being so bad because we also had so many good times and my W never shared with me her feelings. I feel like such an idiot, but she did me a favor by leaving so that my eyes could be opened.
Six weeks does seem like forever, but I believe that for my W, she's going to need a long time to heal. It's just very hard for me because I'm letting her call the shots with the kids for now and because my W hasn't said one thing to me since 10/15/14. We are literally having no contact via a mutual restraining order.
Have any of you ever seen marriages like this reconcile, where the W left because the H had been abusive? What a tough pill for me to have swallowed these past weeks--to realize that I was truly abusive to her emotions and her mind--and that I hurt my wife so deeply, the one woman who gave me her heart to protect. How I wish she could see the changes happening in my life. Real changes!
It's been hard because I have all these memories of happy times flooding into my mind all day long. Truly happy memories, and there have been a lot. Could my wife really not remember these and could she only be nursing her negative feelings right now? I hope she remembers the good times.
I need a lot of help and support during this holiday season. :|
Last edited by vertex; 11/25/1402:38 PM.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
Anyone? :| Just looking for some advice and yes, encouragement.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
Have any of you ever seen marriages like this reconcile, where the W left because the H had been abusive? What a tough pill for me to have swallowed these past weeks--to realize that I was truly abusive to her emotions and her mind--and that I hurt my wife so deeply, the one woman who gave me her heart to protect. How I wish she could see the changes happening in my life. Real changes!
Yes Vertex, I have. Focus on the changes you need to make and don't worry about her seeing them. If they are real changes, they will be seen.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Should I be doing anything in regards to trying to open up a line of communication with my wife during this time? Good changes are definitely happening in my life and I am never going back to the man I was, but I'm afraid that after 7 weeks of no contact my wife may be seeing that where she is is better. I'm afraid she may be losing her love for me. I know she's at her parents' house because she feels safer there than with me, but what can I be doing now to show her that I will never be that abusive/controlling/oppressive husband again? What can I do to help get this divorce paused so we can give our marriage another chance for our children?
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
"but what can I be doing now to show her that I will never be that abusive/controlling/oppressive husband again?"
You need to keep digging deeper as to why you behaved like that^^^^. There is nothing YOU can say that will change her mind. It is all about ACTIONS now. Someone told me early on that you can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into. Are you abusive/controlling/oppressive with others also?.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
It is encouraging that you've taken a long and hard look at your issues. Addressing them is just the beginning of your own journey.
You asked what you can do to aid along the process. All of the posters have given you some good pointers. I'd would like to add by informing your lawyer to remove the restraining order against your W and inform her L of this. That will be a good first step toward healing. Having mutual restraining orders in place isn't helpful at all.
Wonka, don't you think trying to get the mutual RO dropped would push my wife further away? Her lawyer told my lawyer weeks when the Order of Protection was dropped that she would advise her client (my wife) to have a mutual RO because she was afraid of how I've tried influencing her client in the past. I don't know what this means, probably something about my talking my wife out of her divorce plans in the past.
I would love for the RO to be dropped or at least downgraded to e-mail/text contact, but I am afraid of pushing my wife away. One of her huge issues with me is how controlling I've been in the past.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
Be the bigger man here, Vertex. All it takes is one phone call from you to your L and advise him to drop the RO/Order of Protection against your W. Have him communicate this to W's L. You can only control what YOU can do. What your W does or doesn't do is out of your control.
Keep working on your issues with your IC, group therapy, whatnot. You're headed in the right direction.
