It takes a bit more work these days, but I do enjoy getting dolled up and going out. People talk about how important it is to get out there and be around people of both genders, not dating, but maybe testing the waters with a little flirting... this is all new for me.
I've had that "I'm MARRIED" badge of protection for so long, I feel naked without it. And I never flirted with anyone while H and I were together. Heck, I never even flirted before we met! I never had to. Things were different then.
I am making the effort to be less Tomboy-ish and more--I don't want to say "sexy" because that's not it, just more "Feminine" I guess.
I'm still a Tomboy at heart, I think that's obvious, but these days I clean up pretty well.
1. It has been determined that there is a correlation between my pulling back and H pulling back--more. After his decision to not have Thanksgiving with me (I'd invited him), I pulled back and just went to minimal, friendly contact. Immediately he stopped with the "Goodnight" texts and calls for no reason. He stopped with the friendly texts and now it's back to "all business."
I'm not sure what to think/do about this. But it just can't always be me that sticks my neck out. I have no doubt that he knows I was a bit hurt that he blew me off. He even said he "wasn't trying to be a jerk".
But even though he hurt my feelings a little and I pulled in to protect myself, is it possible that HE feels rejected when I do that? How can that be?
When I go dim/dark, he goes even darker. Like he's respecting my wishes or something. In any case, he DOES NOT REACH OUT TO ME when I pull back. AT ALL. Some days I feel like I don't understand anything.
2. I was deleting some of our old emails and read a few before trashing them. At one point I'd said that my decision was to stay in the house and wait for the two years for the D to be finalized before I moved, or did anything. I said nothing would change my mind. (Still true.) Makes me wonder if he's just hanging out and "waiting" for this non-negotiable period to pass, before he can prove we've been separated for two years and can get the uncontested divorce at that point. (Maybe why he wouldn't eat with me. They have this thing about "sharing meals and doing laundry" on the books.)
3. No matter what, I will be ahead of the game if we D. He will have a house that is under a massive remodel, a property that requires constant work, a long commute, a ex-wife with a hefty alimony payment, a bunch of dogs and a house to keep up on a day-to-day basis. He doesn't have the time or the money to do this on his own. That's a fact. He will have no leisure time whatsoever, no time for another R, and there is not a woman in her right mind who would live in this chithole. (This is my home and my animals and even I can't stand it!!!) He doesn't like to be alone, he needs to be needed. He is going to be one very lonely and guilt-ridden man. That is also a fact.
As for me--I will be happy living away from him and the chaos he has brought into my life. I will be relieved to be living any place where I can put my clothes in a closet, have friends over and sit in a real kitchen, be able to be organized and live my life the way I want.
I know I will have friends, my music/art/dancing, I will have a full and happy life. I will be free in so many ways. H might take my home, my life as I knew it, but he can't take away my spirit, my talents, and my choice to be happy. I will be getting the better end of the deal, no doubt about it.
4. H is still about where he was several weeks ago in terms of our interactions.. He's sort of stuck, at least from where I'm sitting. He alternately looks sort of healthy, other days like he was on a five-day-bender. He still wants to stay here if I'm going out, and will stay for at least a week while I'm gone over Christmas. He has been on the fence a few times about staying here while I'm actually here, but that has yet to happen. He has not mentioned "talking about the future" again since the last time a couple weeks ago.
5. I don't know if he's still in therapy; I no longer look at any statements or bills to see if he's writing checks to his IC, or anything else. He has mentioned his "writing" and "reading" as if they're assignments, but I have not asked about this.
6. I don't think he is involved or trying to be involved with anyone else. Since he's here virtually every night after work and calls/texts me in the evenings and is still living with his employee/codependent lesbian friend, (doesn't seem motivated to get his own place), he doesn't really have the time, money, or place to carry on.
He has called me from "his" place (Guest room) and has told me to call him there, *seemingly* to let me know that that is where he really is.
7. He continues to be transparent about finances and I have all the banking passwords/credit card info, all statements still being sent to the house. He has *said* several times that he "wants me to feel secure." (Ummm.... ok?) I would see (if I chose to look) any weird charges that would indicate hiding money, unexplained charges which might point to a new OW. Frankly, I think since his work OW and how that all blew up on him, I don't think he'd go fishing at work again. Too many eyes on him now. MAYBE he learned his lesson, he could have lost his job.
He also just doesn't have the self-esteem to go out there and date. He is like a whipped puppy. (Not attractive AT ALL.) He has no confidence, looks like hell, and, I'm pretty sure, feels like a real heel. I think playing around in fantasy on-line dating land and maybe chatting with (lying to) some "possibles" is about as far as he might go. Because to go further might mean REJECTION. And he can't take that. He needs a sure thing. OW was a sure thing--and then some. (Fact. She made the first move. He wouldn't have had the balls, sorry to say. I do know that about him.)
And right now, I AM DEFINITELY NOT A 'SURE THING".
8. He can view my phone bill, I can't see his, but I don't care. I have nothing to hide. I don't think he's involved with anyone. When he's here working he's not on the phone...when he was with OW he was on the phone CONSTANTLY. Can't say it's not possible, but if he is, he's not spending any money on her or spending much time with her since he's always here.
9. He *seems* to want me to reach out to him, but then when I do ask him to do something, he declines. Although, if I had to find a positive it would be that the first time he declined, he said 'I will NOT be going" and some other nonsense about how sad HE was---blah blah blah. This second time he declined as well, but said he wasn't trying to be a jerk, not to "take offense" since he was "just having a weird day." So baby steps, right? At least he recognized that I went out on a limb and was nicer about blowing me off. Plus, I was SO COOL about it I sent him home with a nice doggy bag for him and Co-D Landlady-Friend. He texted me later about how much she loved my cooking and could I write out my recipe for her. And I did. I think he appreciated that, and maybe it made him feel like more of an A$$hat. Can't be sure on that one.
10. He has yet to go out of his way for me without me asking, and in fact has spent a lot of time working on projects here that really are all about making HIS life easier, not mine. He put new lights in down at the barn. (So he can see what he's doing at night.) He's put a new door on "his" bathroom in the basement. Man needs his privacy, I guess.
I have already decided that if puts a lock on that door, and keeps the only key, I will have it removed. In the past he has been very secretive about his porn, alcohol use, and OW. He is still behaving in a secretive way and I won't tolerate that in MY HOME. My suspicion is that he is going to want to move into the basement (ridiculous, the more I think of it), and that having a door that locks will facilitate him being able to hide things from me that he thinks I shouldn't know about (Fill in reason HERE.) Of course, this ^^^ is total mind reading!
BOUNDARY: There will be no locks on doors in this house as long as I'm living here. If that's how he wants to live, he can go somewhere else!
11. The fact remains that I am living in a chitstorm of chaos, yet he busies himself with HIS personal projects (on "our" house.) bathroom, and HIS lights, and HIS electrical and HIS privacy doors.
When I asked him--while he's doing electrical stuff--to please set up the light on the master bedroom deck where I put the dogs out at night, (because I can't find them when they get lost in the yard, there are predators, I end up stepping in a pile of doggy doo in my slippers in the middle of the night), he acted put out.
I've only brought it up a handful of times over the last THREE YEARS, yanno? But no one can say that I am a nag! (Oh I know. He's MAD because I threw him out. If he were living here, he'd probably get that done in a heartbeat. I keep forgetting that HE is the victim here.)
Anyhow, when I asked about the bedroom deck light: Big sigh from GUBU---"That will be SO much work. But I can TRY and do it over Christmas while you're gone." Guess it's not a priority FOR HIM. This has not changed.
EVERYTHING IS STILL ALL ABOUT HIM. EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS ALL ABOUT HIM. And it's everyone else who is paying for it. I'm sick of this.
He's got this issue: He'll do twenty easy things that take little thought, not plan them well, and have shoddy results, rather than have to plan and do ONE THING that really needs to be done. For my part, I SAY NOTHING.
I *think* there is a fear of failure or something. That if he doesn't put in any effort and just "throws it together", then it's not a problem if it's half-assed. He is now diagnosed with ADHD. Duh. I've known that for years, takes one to know one, right? But supposedly he is "coping SO well." NOT! He is NOT! He's a mess.
Doing something right requires forethought, cooperation, and planning. Three things he avoids at all cost. I am the opposite. Whatever I do, I do well. I am not a perfectionist, but I don't do things half-assed. Why bother?
BTW--all that talk about staining the decks and the expensive power washer he bought that's still sitting in the garage... well, how come he's not washing and staining the decks? Why is he putting up all these ridiculous light fixtures? He's spent HOURS on this busy work, and meanwhile, well... nothing on the long list gets done.
He seems to be distracting himself by all this "busyness". I really can't stand this about him and I now can't even see this house getting done as we planned, even if we are happy as two peas in a pod.
And that's another reason I think I might be happier without him. Sad to say. It's true.
It's just logistics now, unless he pulls a Magic Talking Perfumed Rainbow Unicorn out of his butt at the final hour which speaks the words of his major epiphany:
"I have made a terrible mistake. I understand all the awful things I've done to you, with OW, the porn, and all the distancing and emotional coldness over the years. You did nothing to deserve that. Nobody deserves that.
I did it because I refused to deal with my problems. I am dealing with them now and I will not stop working on myself. I realize how important it is.
You deserve the best me I can be and I want to be that man.
I want to make it up to you. I love you and want to try again to have a M. I will do whatever it takes, and I will never give up.
You mean everything to me and I can't imagine life without you."
And this ^^^, my fellow DBers, is just about as likely as it sounds.
*sigh*
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
