Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times)

[25yearsmlc]

Well, I think you did about the best as you could under the circumstances.

To me, she sounds resolute. She sounds thoughtful. Not reactive. Seems as if her commitment to the marriage was a lot more shaken by your infidelities than either of you realized. The OM helped crystallize that within, and she is ready to begin her own journey.

OR so she believes, and so I might be wrong. I do think getting some time to cool things off was pretty darn smart of you. I concede right now that she may proceed on her journey and then turn your way...

So be ready for that. It's at least a strong possibility.
Now, stop taking the temperature of the R, b/c Nothing cools things more than taking the temperature of it often.

You should still be the dad you are, and upbeat, pleasant company to be around. You may still suggest Retrovaille, or some other weekend retreat.

You yourself might try Essential Experience, which is a workshop I believe I mentioned to you before. (Also known as "EE"--very profound.)

That's for individuals (but that always impacts us as parents in a family and as partners in a marriage) and I pray you go asap, b/c that will show her YOUR path and YOUR CHANGES will be the most visible they'll ever be...plus it's all about YOU when you go.

(After I went to EE, to my surprise my h also went to it, by himself, all because he saw such serious changes in ME. That led to us going together later on, helping new participants and it was VERY VERY bonding.) In any event, the growth and changes you have claimed to want to make, and in some cases which you have started to implement, MUST CONTINUE. Not just b/c she might look your way and if you have backslid, that'll confirm her worst fears about you and she'll stay gone for good. But b/c you say you want to become a better man, and I believe you.

I happen to think EE would greatly assist you in making those changes happen faster and be more lasting. Perhaps even more importantly, you'll be better off, more content, more at peace, regardless of her choice b/c EE will help you create more happiness in your own life. I'm 100% certain that Your next r, with her or not, will be much healthier.

Okay so, I do have a suggestion for you right now. An exercise of sorts...bear with me, please.

Please try this exercise for maybe 8 minutes or so, okay? Just 8 minutes....

Spend 2-3 minutes on imagining that your wife is GONE from your life. Sad, right? I know.

But imagine that for whatever reason she's gone, imagine that you have processed the loss of her enough to be at peace now.

Maybe she passed away. Or maybe she went to Austrailia and got lost in the outback, or committed some weird crime and has been sentenced to life. Maybe you simply and genuinely just do not care about her at all. (That one is hardest to believe, btw, so do what works for the exercise okay?)

Point is, IMAGINE she is not in your life anymore and that ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED so that Your grief and adjustment period, has also passed....

And you are not craving her company and you have accepted the loss of her in your life, whatever that takes or means, imagine that it has happened, so that

although she's gone, You are HAPPY in your new life....Yes, imagine you are doing alright now...


What specifically, are you doing in this new, happy life?

Did you move? Get a better/smaller/bigger home? Did you Switch jobs? Go back to school? Just taking some fun classes? Are you going to travel more?

Did you Take up a hobby? Like what? Did you decide to coach a team or JOIN anything?

Perhaps you are dating again, maybe you are in a meaningful relationship with someone with some promise.

(No, NOT "escorts", but an adult relationship...and if that is not in your dreams, then that's an issue to deal with in IC. Agreed?)

BACK TO THE EXERCISE.....Flesh out details of your new, happy life....really spell a few things out.

Breathe in this new content life. HOW do you feel in a life without your wife, but with you happy in it? Kind of weird, but freeing, perhaps?

...After 3-4 minutes of this^^^, postpone or separate the part about OWs from your plan for now, and

ask yourself which of the other^^ things you are doing in your new Happy life, you can do, now?

And now, Go create that.

Got it?