SD, Dave, Hairdog,

Thanks so much for your replies and thoughts. I follow your threads too and I think whether you're the W or H who is the HD one in the M, the feelings of fear, hurt, rejection, resentment are all the same. Having said that, I would go one step further to say that being a HDW is somewhat harder then being the HDH as it is supposed to be against the norm. After all men are the one who's supposed to want sex all the time and women are the one who prefers emotional/intellectual or other forms of attachment to sex and childcare is an exhausting task, Hs usually get pushed back among list of priorities.

We see some LD wives here who are trying to work at their sitchs but do you see any LDHs? No! I think that being LD for a man is even harder to handle than being a LD wife. Wouldn't you guys feel less of a man if you lost your libido for some reason (lets say medical reasons which you can't help, its not really your fault) and you see your Ws need for intimacy as a complaint that you're not satisfying her sexually? How would that make you feel? You'd probably go into a shut off and shut up mode like my H. I think he is in total denial because it is too painful for him to even discuss it.

Now for more therapeutic journaling to myself. I think I know H well enough to guess what he is thinking right now.
H is thinking.

- I have panic attack and though I hate it I have to take SSRIs to control it.
- Its affecting my work. I can't afford to lose my job, who will look after my family if I do. My wife does not contribute financially although I hope that she would so that we will have a backup to look after our babies in case anything happens to me.
- My Ws complaining about lack of sex? Hey! If I lose my job because of the stress she is putting me through, lets see if she will still have time to complain about this as we struggle to survive. Lets get our priorities right shall we? I know things are not perfect but why can't she just enjoy what we have and be happy with that.
- (Hs LL is acts of service). I do all this stuff for her and take care of her so well and yet she complains that she does not feel loved? What the crap is she talking about? Almost makes me feel like not doing anything for her anymore. Whats the point? Its not being appreciated.
- My wife's nagging and complaining kills my desire even further. Can't she see that and just stop it?

On the other hand H could be thinking:
- My wife's put on quite a lot of weight after childbirth and I am no longer attracted to her.
- Her breastfeeding puts me off.
- I don't want to hurt her feelings so I shan't say anything.
- Just pretend everything is fine and I'll take care of myself in that dept until she gets back to shape.

Oh I just hate these guessing games. If only he
'd tell me exactly what is going on in his mind. I'm going crazy here.

Anyway, our weekend was alright as we avoided talking about the subject and we went shopping together for baby stuff (though the temperature was several degrees colder at home.) We did get on each others nerves a bit and declared a cold war probably due to the undercurrent undiscussed issues but H was sweet in the evening. Its nice to be pregnant and H being so protective in helping me across the road etc. I get lots of my physical touch needs met so better enjoy this while I can.

Oh and I must defend my H here as I've made him sound so insensitive and such a jerk because I had been venting. He certainly is not and thats why I love him. He is usually so sensitive towards my feelings that he can tell just by looking at my face the instant I am upset about something. He would ask me whats wrong hon? and then proceed to make me laugh or make me feel better. He just appears insensitive in this issue only as he is in total denial so he does not see the hurt he is causing me. He is usually upbeat, fun to be around, very thoughtful and a real optimistic person who laughs a lot and is thankful for every little thing in life. Having panic anxiety and having to take medication to control it is really hard on him but he rarely complains about anything so I guess he wants me to be a bit more like him and complain/nag less. Oh I could go on and on but I feel better already so I had better stop now. This is getting too long but thanks all for listening.

LH