More journaling to myself. I think I've given up. I'm too tired to try anymore. Have to resign myself to a marriage without passion. I can't change anything. I can't do it alone, not when H things there is nothing wrong and refuses to talk about it. Nothing wrong? The last time I was pregnant, he didn't touch me the whole time as well and for a year afterwards too till I brought it up and then he gave me one session of 'mercy sex'. Then we decided to have a second child and we didn't have to try very hard before I was pregnant again and we're back to the hands off from H again till I don't know when. So in the past 3 years I have too many fingers to count the number of times we've ML. Corri, if you're reading this, your 65 times is like a record or something. Give yourself a pat on the back. I really don't know what else to do. I just feel like giving up. I don't plan to leave my M. I love my H too much and my dd and the new life within me. So I just have to give up having a sex life. Surely thats not so hard to do. There are other things in life. Besides I am not even that HD. I would be happy with once a fortnight or even once a month but unfortunately my H has ND so its none at all and I can't even give H these numbers since he won't talk about it. If he would he might not think it so bad after all.
I feel so so tired. I just wish he would at least open up and talk to me about it so I would understand what is happening. Not talking about it makes me doubt myself endlessly and I feel really sad that he doesn't even want to try knowing that I am unhappy about this. I want my H to desire me, yes but more so I want him to have a desire to try to tell me what is wrong and whether there is anything we can do about it together as a couple to improve on the sitch. He only wants me to shut up and be happy with the way things are. Says I complain too much. Says he can't believe what I say anymore. According to him, one moment I promised not to bring it up anymore and the next I am arguing or complaining about it again.
Might quit this board too. Its too depressing. Its depressing when you hear no one coming close to a satisfactory solution and when you hear of some success, its depressing too becos I am not making any progress myself. My, aren't we feeling negative today.
I've told H before that part of me is dying a slow death and I think he prefers it dead. I almost wish that after delivery my libido will go away just like some of the wives that some of you mentioned about. Then we'd be the perfect couple with matching ND.
I am Asian (yes the problem is universal) and that makes it worse because we're just more closed up in discussing these issues. H is extremely non verbal too. Never ever heard him say ILU in all the 11 years we've been together. The only time was during our wedding and the part was accidentally censored off by some kid who hit the video recorder. Just my luck. The only other time was when I asked him after he had a PA with a co worker. So how do you get someone so non verbal to open up. Its next to impossible.
My LL is physical touch and words of affirmation and I get neither from him. He won't even read the LL book so I can't even begin to explain to him what those things mean to me. He has been affectionate to me after I kept telling and reminding him that I love him being affectionate so that fills my love tank a little but right now I feel so angry with him at rejecting once again my attempt to communicate to him about the SSM that I don't even feel like giving him my loving touches anymore but guess who will be the one who will suffer from this? Me of course as he won't even notice but I would be the one who would miss touching him after a while so it would be like punishing myself. Shan't do that.
Its really funny that when it comes to other people's threads we are so optimistic and positive and can give well meaning advice but when it comes to our own sitch we fall apart.
Well, its late Friday night for me now and my weekends started. Probably won't be checking back till after the weekend. So happy weekend all and I'll try to be as happy as I can be myself.
