He sounds pretty insensitive. I wonder what's going on in his head. I hate it when the LD responds that way. They don't realize how much courage it takes for us to ask for something that we feel we deserve, that should just come naturally. It takes courage to bring it up the first time. The first time, they say something that makes us feel better, like, OH, I didn't realize you felt that way...I've been preoccupied, I'll work on it. Then, you bring it up the second time, which takes even more courage, because you're not only asking for the same thing again, you're having to confront them on their inaction (were they lying to us when they said they were going to "work on it" or is there some other explanation?) So you bring it up again, and maybe this time they get a bit defensive. They give some reason that makes some kind of sense, and again say they'll work on it.
So then you have to bring it up again, because nothing has happened, the emotional distance between the two of you is growing, and you are wondering, "am I hideous? do I treat her poorly? am I not doing something I should be doing? does she not love me anymore? does she love someone else?" This time, it takes courage and blind faith and your voice is shaky because you have been so nervous about bringing it up and your feeling brittle because the fear of bringing it up has kept you from sleeping well the past few nights, and you've written and re-written a rough script and read it about a hundred times, because when you start talking about this subject without some sort of lifeline, you feel like a deer in the headlights and you can't explain why you miss their touch without sounding like some sort of sex maniac. You bring it up and they immediately go on the defensive, and then a new tactic, an offensive move by them, which makes you feel like all you do is nag about this problem, that everything else in the relationship is peachy-keen and why must I always want something more, why is always about ME? And the kicker, "The more you pressure me, the more I will resist."
So you decide to take their advice and lay low for a couple weeks. Then a couple of months. You get depressed because you are in a relationship which is like a wonderful banquet of all of your favorite cookies, but there's no milk to wash it down with. You should be satisfied, but there's something MAJOR missing from your ability to enjoy it all. The cookies lose their appeal, because, how can you possibly enjoy them without milk?
You've done what you consider to be a "180." You've decided to not bring it up. To stop giving that extra hug as you leave. To stop kissing good night right before bed (because, you noticed, it was always YOU making the effort to lean over and kiss her, and she never even met you halfway).
And the next thing you realize is that half of a year has gone by with only the most basic, most platonic contact between the two of you. The LD seems happy, content, able to function just fine. You, on the other hand, are falling apart. Your work suffers. Your temper is short. You get sad when you watch a tv show and the couple runs upstairs in the middle of the day to have sex. You start to notice people of the opposite sex you never noticed before and you start thinking how nice it would be to . . . .
So you bring it up again. Courage? Yes, but so much more now. Desparation. Defeat. Resentment. Emasculation. Self-hatred.
You feel like a beggar. At this point, though, you're almost numb to the expected response. Even though you have felt like you haven't touched, hugged, kissed, for months, they remind you that you are wrong. They accuse you of not giving them credit for that unsolicited hug two weeks ago after dinner, or that kiss on the couch when you were watching some ridiculous reality tv show together...last week.
And that's when you have to decide if you're going to stay in this, to you, LOVELESS MARRIAGE, or get out. Loveless? But they can point to countless things they do for you, this major sacrifice, this change of plans, the mere fact that they made a decision X years ago to get married to you and they are still married to you---doesn't THAT prove that they love you? Well, no, not in the way that I define love. (but that doesn't really count).
You decide to stick it out, because you have a daughter who needs to have two parents together, and you love her with all of your heart, and want to do the RIGHT thing.
And hey, maybe someday she'll come around to your way of thinking. Stranger things have happened.
