Ganb8te 2 - WAH - lost in translation

[gan]

And just for good measure, when things weren't going well (which was not all the time, mind):
- we were arguing over when to start a family, sex
- we were spending too much time with my family at the expense of spending quality time with each (being from different countries, vacation was often spent in one persons country or the other but we failed to do enough new things together during these times as I felt compelled to catch up with my family)
- I was lecturing him about something or other e.g. doing things last minute, alienating himself from his parents
- he was stonewalling me
- I was obsessing over work related stuff and not making him feel wanted
- we were doing the same old thing over and over again (local restaurants, staying at home watching Netflix)
- I was listening but I wasn't really hearing what he was telling me (it would p1$$ me off when he would say I wasn't listening when I knew I was…...but now I see that I was responding with "you shouldn't feel that way because [this is how I see it]" rather than "tell me what I can do to help you feel differently")

And the major revelation that I've had post-BD: we weren't doing enough to keep ourselves moving forward and independently satisfied in our own worlds. We didn't know our individual goals, which meant it was hard to support each other and set goals for the R. We did everything together. When we had new ideas we'd each try to convince the other person to participate. When the other person didn't want to do it one of two things would happen (1) they'd do it anyway and be-grudge it, or (2) they wouldn't do it and the person who wanted to do it would miss out. After reading Passionate Marriage I now have a name for this: WE WERE POORLY DIFFERENTIATED. Classic example: we'd be out and he would want to stay out and wander aimlessly. I don't like wandering aimlessly so I would say no. So he would miss out on doing what he wants to do, or I'd go along and be p1$$y. It's the two choice dilemma: give up the view of how things should be in your mind, self-soothe and enjoy OR hold on to your view of how things should be. We should have just gone our separate ways in these moments and agreed to do something fun together later.

These my friends were our issues and I own my role in all of them all. In many ways this time apart is exactly what we needed to differentiate ourselves, develop independent interests, establish our own social circles, and get to know ourselves. That part is clear in my mind. The rest, not so much.

It's 6 months to the day since he moved out.