S20 rang tonight wanting to know about coming to see me, I told him my budget has changed and I really can’t afford to pay for his flights now. So off he went to H house to use the internet to check flights. Then rang me again saying that he really wants to come, so he will pay half.

Then he rang again to say he has looked at flights, they are expensive, but H has said he will pay on his airpoints card so they will be free– there is no way he could have enough points; if he has then his cc must be maxed out and even then it would be virtually impossible to have racked up that many points in 5 months – I think he would actually pay for the flights on his cc instead - what the heck is he playing at? This has nothing to do with him, it’s between me and S20.

I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything, I am afraid he will store this “nicety” and bring it back at a later date.

Maybe it’s a guilt thing as he has not been able to pay me my last instalment so I had to rethink my budget, which means not seeing S20 before I go – but why, I don’t get it, why does he want to help- it puts me on edge. He walked away from me and his responsibility to me, why does he care now.

Perhaps I am reading way too much into this and it’s genuinely a nice gesture – that he wants his S to see me before I go.

It put me in a spin. So I transferred all the money to S20 and told him to book the flights and tell his dad, thanks, but no thanks, we have sorted it. He said he is happier with that. Now I have had to juggle my budget –

I hate feeling like this - like I am on my guard, not sure what he is after all the time – when he really could be well meaning – I am confused and feeling a bit wound up. I hate this not trusting him or being able to be happy and accepting of a nice gesture.

I am also a bit peeved that S20 discussed this with H, it really has nothing to do with his dad what he and I are doing

I know I should have just paid for the flights in the first place and not said anything – but I have been fed up with trying to chase S20 for dates and after him playing games with H and I it just seemed easier to skype with him – he knows I am coming back at some point for a visit and we have spent far more time a part when he went travelling for a year.

Ahhhhhhh venting. Breathe. Its done now, I will just have to deal with whatever - if anything - H says about me saying no thanks to his offer.