Let's try this again

[Heart14]

TBH I don't need him, I want him in my life but those 6 months showed me I can do it on my own. That in itself was empowering. I know the 19 yo stroked his ego. Everything was great to her whereas I'm more mature and we have the daily responsibilities of life and we aren't in La La land.

T, I'm so glad things are continuing to improve for you. I can really relate to what you are saying. The time my H was in crazy town was awful, but getting through that and finding my own strength was a positive takeaway. In a weird way, his crisis helped me learn a lot about myself too.

But I'm thinking in the back of my mind --- is he regretting his decision? Is he talking to her again? Is he unhappy? Is he going to leave again? I really don't bring this up with him and I'm not sure it's appropriate to bring up in counseling because it's something I need to work on BUT his behavior can really fuel the uncertainties I feel.

Have you gone to any IC? Maybe this is something worth talking to a C about on your own. I definitely struggle with this as well. I try, although I'm out always successful, to ask myself if my thoughts are coming from something in our current interactions or if I'm letting the past cloud the present. Probably 9 times out of 10 it's my pain from the past. My IC has been a great outlet for me if I feel overwhelmed. I talk to H about it some too, but I also feel like it's my own security issue. Certainly asking for reassurances when you need them should be ok though.

I do have a lot of resentment I'm dealing with internally. How could he do what he did? Why did I let him off so easily? Why didn't I make him work harder? Did he really learn 'his lesson'? I feel like I let him step out on our M put us through hell and when he was over 'it' came strolling back in. I don't know how to move past this all besides time. But truth be told I love my H so incredibly much that. I am scared. I don't wantto lose him and I don't want to go through this again.

So much of what you are saying is hitting home for me. I'm not sure there is anything that can calm your fears except time and continued improvement in your M. Repairing the damage is probably going to take a lot of time. Keep doing what works and stay patient. This is still a marathon. Keep up the great work!