Claire #10 -- Still DBing, I think

[labug]

Hey Claire, there's a lot of mind-reading up there. (( )))

It was Thanksgiving, emotions run high.

It's been a long time ago but I can remember playing with cousins on Thanksgiving and there was this frenzy to get time in because we didn't get that opportunity often, all of us together.

How can you turn this around in your head?

[claire7]

Ok, I hear you. Let me also add a bit of context:

Today was a very important religious ceremony and celebration for my cousins daughters. This cousin is like a sister to me; her daughters were the flower girls at my wedding. Our entire extended family was there.

So, to recap::
A) I asked to speak to my D on t'giving. H said, "I'll try, but I doubt it will work, but don't think that I didn't try" (he never called)

B) and despite that, he texted me last night to ask when would be a good time for HIM to speak to D today-- the day of this very important religious celebration for MY family.

C) he also emailed me *today* a summary of schedule changes, and a reminder of our mediation meeting next week with a proposed agenda.

Let me give you context for today: it's an important religious ceremony-- a time for family to get together. I'm sitting with my D watching m cousin and her family. ..imagining my own daughters ceremony in 9 years, and how she won't be able to stand with her intact family (nor any siblings) behind her. I'm watching my cousin (my matron of honor), and her daughters, my flower girls, at this family celebration, and I keep tearing up thinking of my daughter's broken family. I'm listening to my daughter ask me, "where's daddy? Why isn't daddy here?" And I don't know how to answer her.

I'm seeing extended family who don't ask me anything, but know something's up... I forgot to put on my ring, and my H wasn't at t'giving last year either.

This was in many ways a very painful, emotional day. My H emails, "I hope you had a fun time at the party. Here's what I think we should discuss at mediation on Friday. .."

I just had to vent a bit, I'm sorry. I don't know how to keep standing, or to forgive him for doing this to our D. I don't know how i would ever love this cold-hearted man again.

[labug]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down today. Holidays are difficult.

But he doesn't know you had all that going through your head.

What could he have said that would have been better?

If you don't want to call him for your D, don't. But is that who you want to be? Or is that Claire in reaction to perceived hurts from others. Don't give your power away. You control you.

You don't know what your life will look like in 9 years but you've already decided it will be terrible. Why not choose a different picture? One that has D having both parents there standing behind her. Both parents happy that their D has reached an important milestone. Intact or not they will both still love her. Isn't that the important part?

[claire7]

You're so right labug. I'm stuck in negative zone. I keep waiting to move past this plateau I'm on... but duh, I need to DO something to move forward.

I guess what I'm grieving now, in part, is that I don't want to reconcile with him-- at least not now. Somehow that feels hard to let go of. He can't love me the way I need and ought to be loved...and maybe he never could.

I don't see him ever opening up and being the kind of man I truly want. But I know stranger things have happened. So I'll just focus on today.

My D basically told me today that she feels like sometimes I don't listen to her, or let her talk. And that's why she doesn't listen to me! Aha! Such wisdom in the little ones.

and another success-- I teased my dad and mom about something... and they didn't get all defensive. They actually laughed at themselves too. :-)

[claire7]

Ok, is it really really terrible that I am getting some small satisfaction from seeing my H struggle to handle our D's bedtime tonight (he's putting her to bed at my house). He doesn't have a lot of patience and resorts to anger/threats (which are never followed through on)? I used to be so controlling and get so anxious about it. Now? I'm relaxing on the couch letting him deal (not ignoring but not stepping in to rescue).

Must be really awkward for him.

Oh, and I made onion jam today. So delicious!

[Ss06]

Claire, it's hard to step back and let H figure out his way of putting and down but you're doing it! It was hard for me at first but after some time my H really grew into his role as a father and figured a lot of stuff out. It didn't come easily or naturally but he got there and now I am amazed at his fathering abilities.

I didn't make him into a better dad, he did that all himself, but he couldn't have done it if I didn't get out of the way.

One of the best things I could do. When I did it, my intention was for him to see just how hard it is to handle D all alone... And he did but more importantly I learned what a control freak I was for so long about things with D. Part of me says I was a control freak out of necessity because he wasn't involved and didn't give a chit but the reality is, it takes two to tango. I got out if the way and he stepped up to the plate.

It's one of the things I'm most proud of us for during this separation. It's huge!!

[claire7]

Yes, Ss, I totally agree. For the first almost 3 years of her life, my H almost NEVER gave my D a bath and rarely put her to bed by himself. He spent little time alone with her at all. That has changed a lot, and I think that is a really great side-effect of this terrible situation.

He emailed me after he got home to say that he felt awkward about tonight. (So, maybe my mind-reading skills aren't so awful!!). He said he's struggled a bit with her behavior lately (I've heard this from others, too), and wondered if I experienced the same thing, and that it was awkward for him to experience that while I was there.

So, I guess I have an opportunity to validate here, and reassure him that I wasn't silently judging him. (I guess I was a teeny=tiny bit, but I was also mostly thinking about how, if we were together, I'd now be able to commiserate and laugh WITH him at the situation, rather than judge and resent him like I used to do).

[Maybell]

Two things:

Why do you keep saying "if we were together, then x."? It seems to keep you stuck in a place that you're not. Why not open up to how things are now and think about how to make them the best they can be, given the current conditions? What could that shift in thinking do for you?

Also, when you say he can't/wont love you the way you want and need to be loved... You're not really being accepting of the person he actually could be at his best. Why not worry whether *you* could love *him* as he wants/needs? Isn't that equally valid? Or why not stop thinking you understand him so well and try to see him with new eyes? You seem hung up on the past. I don't see how an R could be successful if you can't find it in yourself to exercise a little grace.

Don't mean this to be a 2x4, though I see it might be read that way. But you've been stuck for a while. Wouldn't you be happier if you moved out of this space?

WRT to your daughter's having siblings or not... It's a recurring joke in our family that my D would have been perfectly happy to be an only child her whole life. you may miss additional children (assuming your future doesn't hold any, which is by no means clear), but that doesn't mean your D will feel cheated of her birthright.

I want to see strong, happy Claire back again. Where did that kicka$$ lady go?

[claire7]

Ahhhhhh. And, yet again, Maybell, you've shown why this community is so, so valuable.

No where else do I get this kind of perspective and pushing me to look inward. And it's just what I need.

You're right, I've felt stuck all month. Maybe longer, but definitely starting from the end of October-- my BD anniversary-- it's been a really tough few weeks. And I wasn't sure what I could do to get unstuck, besides some GAL, which I've been doing (more exercise! more cooking! more vacation planning!).

But seeing him with new eyes is definitely something I can do.

All my life I had dreamed of the princess scenario- to be scooped up and taken care of by a strong, handsome knight. I had a crazy realization this morning: my dad was helping me check something on the car I share with my H. We got it as a hand-me-down from his mom when D was about a year old. I had always been somewhat capable at dealing with stuff on my own car-- checking tires, oil, wiper fluid, etc. My dad trained me to do that when I drove to college 400 miles away.

This morning I realized that I didn't even know how to open the hood of the car I had been driving for 3 years.

I lost something of myself in the last few years, and it's time to get it back.

And, I think I can see him with new eyes. Maybe instead of being disappointed that he didn't live up to the white knight image I had in my head, I can accept him for who he is-- anxious, afraid of expressing emotions, unsure of himself in many situations.

Can *I* be the strong one in a R? Sometimes, sure. I can be a more equal partner. I don't have to be the mess that needs to be taken care of all the time because I can stand on my own.

Tonight, i was. I replied to his email: praised the 1% positive, acknowledged I had been judgmental in the past and was not proud of it, and assured him I (and many other parents I know) have experienced the same oppositional behavior at bedtime.

Maybell- I just want to clarify one thing, for myself: when i wrote

I was also mostly thinking about how, if we were together, I'd now be able to commiserate and laugh WITH him at the situation, rather than judge and resent him like I used to do

it was less of a lament, and more of a hopeful kind of feeling. Like, I realized that I can sit there and allow him to struggle and NOT be so judgmental or controlling. That felt like a big step for me. Does that make sense?

Thanks so much, Maybell, labug and everyone else who has taken the time to call me on my cr@p and get me thinking deeper. I owe you all a lot.

[claire7]

Wanted to share a (mostly) positive:

H and I had a decent exchange. He responded with an admission that he has trouble staying patient with D, and that I didn't make him feel awkward, and he hoped I didn't read that from his message.

It was hard to avoid having expectations, but I have to say it was nice to have a semi-normal exchange with him.