I would like to hear from anyone who has had even a little success in communicating with their LD/ND spouses about how to deal with the SSM in their M. I think half the battle (if you can call it that) is won if you are able to get the communication lines open at least.
I have so far had no success on this end. This is what I've tried so far all without succcess:
- talking (usually ends in heated argument) - writing (usually gets no response and writing is totally ignored) - get spouse to read SSM (no success there either) - stopped pursuing (spouse just gets more comfortable and thinks everything is ok now)
About the only thing I haven't tried is to make a move, like when I feel like a passionate kiss or some sensual touching to just go for it cos I am just so so afraid of rejection. I hope Lina or Annette (who appears to have some measure of success in communicating at least can help out here.) Should I just do it? I have run out of ideas.
About the only success I can report is that I have managed to work on myself and now:
- no longer feel resentful about the current SSM sitch (with that resentment removed H is free to be more affectionate now and I love it) - no longer feel unloved by H just because I don't feel his desire for me (he shows me in a lot of other ways)
We have no other issues. My H is a model husband and father and I have no complains about him. Love him just the way he is. Of course we bicker when we are both stressed out but we always make up before bedtime I would never leave my M over SSM or have an affair so that means I have to get this resolved by hook or by crook. I just want my lover back so badly. What happened to the man who on my birthdays used to wake me up by ML to me and took me out on trips where we would drown a whole bottle of champagne just the two of us and have a hot naughty night. I miss him sooo much. I think he went away when I got pregnant the first time and hasn't come back yet. Sorry I got sidetracked day dreaming. Hey any of you fellas out there can tell me how you felt when your wife was pregnant or afterwards when you had to go through sleepless nights dealing with a newborn? Did fatherhood and the stress of starting a family plus the financial burden get to any of you? I sure would like some insight so I can understand H better.
Done it all, including counseling (still), with no change. My H (LD or ND) complained to the counselor that I tried to touch him; well, I don't touch him at all anymore. Such a strange complaint from a 38 year old man:( With that statement, he gave up ALL touching from me...no more backrubs or anything.
Heh. I kind of made a lengthy post about this in another thread, but some more specific thoughts I had on general communication:
One thing that has worked for me is that I make it clear to him nearly all aspects of how I'm handling things and why. (Unless it's something I need to work on myself first.)
As an example: He knows about the SSM book. I've waxed near-poetic about how much it helped me. He knows that I think it's amazingly insightful. And I kept making comments like that, and suggesting he read it. Finally I took a line from the book, and told him that I'm not going to mention it any more, at least for a while, because I know he's not deaf. It's sitting on the bookshelf, and it's been sitting there. I know that he works his way slowly up to some of these things, having to overcome his pride and also his Mr. Fix-It nature. ("I'll find a way to fix it on my own. Manual? What's that?") :-D So I figure he'll get around to it eventually, and for now I'm just being patient.
But I didn't just stop asking about it and let it gather dust - I told him that I was going to stop, and why I was stopping. I made it clear to him that I still thought he should read it, and I hadn't changed my mind or feelings on the matter, but that I trusted him to read it if he wants to, since he already knows what I think about it. :-D
And I'll probably bring it up again in another month or so, just to make sure he remembers it's up there. (-;
But this works for me because I tend to be very matter-of-fact about such things. He knows I don't want any doubts, and I don't want him to take something I say the wrong way, so I'll spend an hour saying something that could be said in a couple of minutes so he'll understand WHY I'm saying it. *shrugs* Basically, I tell him what I'm thinking, but also tell him why I'm thinking it and how I got to the point of thinking it. So there are no doubts about how serious I am, how much I've thought about it, and how much it means to me, since I'm willing to put that much effort into it.
Be careful, though. Some people, this approach might drive crazy or just sheer exhaust. It works for me, but that's how I communicate, and my H is used to it by now. :-D It's really something that, in general on smaller specific issues would probably be done better on paper, unless you think he's just plain not reading what you write.
I hope that makes sense, and maybe helps a bit. (-:
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
LH - I can certainly answer how I felt about my feelings when W was preg. with both kids. This may not be typical but I thought it was flat sexy -- I was a walking erection (sorry for the vulgarity) - the last time was 6 years ago. To this day when I think about her being pregnant, I can hardly contain myself but heck that applies to just seeing her cross the room Sorry - I wish I could give you the opposite insight on this one but I would be happy to respond to questions about the more primitive species (Us men) .
Thanks Lina. I read your post on the other thread. What you have said sounds exactly like what I feel, only I couldn't put it quite as eloquently as you. I have given the sitch some thought and have decided to perservere with my written communications to H. I convey myself better in writing, I think, and H is an avid reader and thinker. I am sure he reads most of what I write and think about them. Just have to control my disappointment in not getting any response and hope that it will get through to him someday.
COGal, how's your counselling coming along? I too would get pissed if H complained that I tried to touch him and I agree that its a pretty strange complaint. In what context did he complain about this? Although you are pissed, I am not sure that witholding all touch to him is going to solve your problem. Have you thought about that? LH
We've made no progress at all. He promises all kinds of things but never follows through. Basically, he complained about me trying to touch him intimately. He never touches me intimately and would prefer to have our touching on a junior-high handholding level. He loves backrubs, but I no longer want to touch him at all. It's kind of like having a platonic roommate or being a nun:( He, on the other hand, thinks everything is great. I would love to have a husband who appreciated my touch and wanted to touch me. I can't live this way much longer.
Forgot to respond to one thing...no, I don't think this is going to solve our problem. At this point, I'm about 95% sure that our problem will never be solved. Honestly, I don't picture us making it to our 2nd anniversary in June.
COGal, This forum is full of men with loving hearts who would give anything to have a wife like you. I would sell my sports car, my motorcycles and my guitars to be married to you. I would swim across the Atlantic Ocean for half the love you have to give. Show your hubby this to give him an idea of what the competition is like!
Seems like alot are feeling the same way I am. That their marriages are not going to last
I am going to pursue coulseling, check out if my insurance will even cover it and see if I can start to figure out why I can't seem to let the resentment towards my H drop. I know this must be keeping me from making progress with him. I just don't seem to care anymore if we move forward. I did notice that he is "slowly" reading the book because its in a different place and there is a bookmark in it. Since he told me he wants to work on things, make the marriage work he has made advances at me twice, thats twice since New Years. I did not feel any spark there, but I didn't let him know that. It was kind of hard since we had not so much as even kissed for almost 5 years before that.
Has anyone else had such resentment towards their spouse and corrected that?
I would never leave my M over SSM or have an affair so that means I have to get this resolved by hook or by crook. I just want my lover back so badly. What happened to the man who on my birthdays used to wake me up by ML to me and took me out on trips where we would drown a whole bottle of champagne just the two of us and have a hot naughty night. I miss him sooo much. I think he went away when I got pregnant the first time and hasn't come back yet. Sorry I got sidetracked day dreaming. Hey any of you fellas out there can tell me how you felt when your wife was pregnant or afterwards when you had to go through sleepless nights dealing with a newborn? Did fatherhood and the stress of starting a family plus the financial burden get to any of you? I sure would like some insight so I can understand H better.
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