I dropped my D14 off at her mom's this morning. I didn't expect W to be there but not only was she there, but her father and his W were as well. I really can't stand either of them, knowing the part they played in my W's MLC and now in the ending of my M. I really didn't want to hear all about his being on death's door (the first thing he says every time time I see him is how he's so close to dying, so sick, looking for sympathy), have to act nice around a man (and his OW) that I have no respect for at all! So, I dropped off my D and made a quick exit. Of course that was dumb because I was supposed to take D14 to school. I hadn't even gotten to the end of the road and I realized that I left without taking her to school! I turned around and had her meet me out front. I was a little embarrassed as W came out. Oh, well.
I'm going to be honest here...I feel awful! I am really depressed, more so than I have been in ages. I hate that I won't have my D14 here with me. I hate that my D19 is so far away. I hate that my family is pretty much stuck having to deal with the selfish whims of of my MLC W. I enjoyed having my girls together and being a family and now it's back to everyone having to be apart. I have to get myself moving and take this course on line so I can start my new job, I have to call my lawyer, I have to try and get a sale and the computers and phones at work are still down. The money I got from my parents is almost gone having to go to pay past due bills and I must make some more and soon.
I find myself so angry at my W once again. Because of her I don't get to see my D's, holidays are stress filled events and not happy times. I have so little to be thankful for this year, about the worst year of my life because of my W and her MLC. I mean it's even partly her fault that it has taken so long to find a new job because she HAD to move my D14 so far away and I kept trying to find something that was in that direction. And W has no clue just how much pain and stress she has caused so many and wouldn't care even if she did in her state. This isn't mind reading, this is an observation of her attitude since this all started. I now find myself knowing that I have no real desire to ever be back with my W again. I still want my family together and the only way that can happen is if we did find a way to mend our M and that would be the only reason I would want her back in my life. The person I knew and loved has gone for good (or so it seems) and this selfish immature person has taken her place.
I have no money for X-mass. I can't help out my D19 who really needs some parental support (and deserves it) but her mother refuses to help her at all unless she does what SHE wants her to do...exactly what her father did to her and she hated that about him all her life, now she is doing the same thing to her own child, how sick is that? I have tried so hard to have compassion for my W because she is in "crisis" but as things keep going and she gets worse, not better, and I have so much stress because of her actions, I find it harder and harder to do. If I saw ANY sign that she may be waking up I might be able to hold on to some compassion but instead all I see is her getting and acting worse, not better.
I miss having human contact. I miss having someone special to talk to and just be with. Someone I can be honest with and not have to think about how they will react to this or that...it's so crazy when I think how long I have had to worry about how my W will take this or whether she will be angry or feel "pressured" by that. What about us LBS's? Why are we the ones that need to do this when the MLCers are the ones who have destroyed everything we worked for for so long?
Sorry about the downer tone of this post. Maybe it's just post TG blues now that the holiday is over. Just to show you where I'm at right now I have been thinking about my client who's W died a couple months ago. This was his first TG without her and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him. But I have found myself thinking that this would be easier if my W had died. He will have his kids with him and they will share their grief and remember the good times together as a family. We have to worry about who is going where and ask why W has changed so much. Why does she not seem to care about family any more, why is she so selfish and cold. My D's have to pretend around her that they aren't angry and not hurt her precious feelings, put up with her father (D14 was so upset when she saw that my FIL was there this morning and said she hopes he's gone by the time school is over) and not get to spend time with the family they love because that is my W's side and since she left she hasn't spent any time with them (they don't think her leaving was the right thing to do so W avoids them). I know that is wrong of me. I'm sure that in reality if she had died it would be horrible and painful just in a different way but it is how I feel at times. I don't like feeling that way but at times I just can't help it. It's so not like me, at least the me up until now.
Sorry for the rambling post. I hope everyone had a great TG and I wish you all the best!
