Hey Ahoy! Good to hear from you. The divorce process has actually been pretty smooth for us. In CA if it goes to court and a judge has to decide, they basically count up all the assets and all of the debt and split it 50/50 and there is a presumption of 50/50 child custody. I know different states vary widely.
The default is to start with a mediator - we were able to avoid even this step - because we agreed to everything between ourselves. STBX and I met - I had a spreadsheet full of items that I wanted to discuss and he agreed to almost all of it. When he left - he said "I could have everything" - which was pretty naive and simplistic of him because he had already cashed out a retirement plan. So at this point we have agreed to everything in theory - but I haven't seen the actual agreement yet - I will need to go through that with a fine tooth comb and will hire a lawyer just to review it.
I should say that I am a voracious reader and quickly educated myself about all the common missteps that people make (STBX is the opposite - he always wants someone to tell him what to do).
Some highlights for you to consider - make sure you look at the tax situation carefully. We have agreed that I will get to claim the kids and obviously the mortgage interest. This was actually a pretty substantial piece in making me financially whole (it allows me to file as Head of Household) and basically adds $400 a month to my bottom line.
You'll probably want to find out how your state treats kids of your daughter's age. In many, they actually have a say about who they live with.
You've been married longer than me - so retirement accts should be a factor.
You'll get through it Ahoy - if you and H can't resolve things on your own, there will be an army of professionals out there to assist you. My advice would be to arm yourself with the knowledge of how much things cost (lawyers hourly rates) and use that as a bargaining chip to settle things outside of court as much as possible.
On a different note, my D6 asked Santa for an accordion for Christmas and it made me think of you and the polka!
