we had our first long conversation in a long time. I tried to not focus on what she is doing to me and our family, although I could not help alluding to it. Instead I focused on her and tried to validate her feelings. I told her that her behavior has been inconsistent and that I am concerned that one day she may realize she is making a tragic mistake. I sympathized with her that she may be feeling lost and confused, but that she should sort out her emotions before committing to divorce. I asked her for insight, but she provided none. I asked her if she is struggling with addiction to the OM or depression. I offered to help her, but gently reminded her that I am the only person on the planet – HER H! – to whom she no longer listens. I told her – as if she needed to hear it – that I am a good person, and that I will not impede the divorce even though I think it is wrong. However, I also reassured her that I, and the children, will survive. She seems to have not noticed or cared that I have not had any intimacy in the last six months, so I gently reminded her to be patient with me as it has been a very hard year for me. I told her I used to enjoy being intimate with her, and she said she also enjoyed it. Lastly, I told her that if she is interested in reengaging in our relationship, there will need to be clear boundaries. She cried for a bit. She came over and hugged me. She asked me why I am being so kind to her. I replied that I am trying hard to appreciate the godly spark in her even though she erred (or errs). She told me she needed time to think. I told her that I do not have an ultimatum for her. I just wanted to make it clear to her that our relationship is important to me and that I feel that divorce will ultimately be harmful to her, me, our children and the rest of our family. I wanted to leave her an opening to re-engage in the marriage if she has the courage to do so, but that we will proceed with the mediation process if that is what she wants, and I am ready for it. I then went to sleep, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
I know I did not adhere to the DB playbook, but it was the first time that she looked at me - really looked at me, and saw her spouse, and not her victimizer - in a long time. She apologized, without making any indication that she will change her present course of action. It seems like she knows what she is doing, she feels bad about it, but not bad enough to do anything about it. Since this conversation, it is business as usual. We are co-parenting a bit more, I suppose - last night we began planning S12s Bar-Mitzvah. She gave away the cat that she impetuously adopted 3 months ago. She was so sad about it. I wanted to ask her how she has no qualms about getting rid of me, but I bit my tongue. Yesterday she was wearing a not-very-modest-mini. She changed so much. So hard to detach.
As far as GAL, I am learning bible with a pal at 6AM every morning. He knows about the infidelity, but we really don't talk about it too much. I just enjoy learning with him. I am also working out about twice a week. I like my new physique. I am playing with my S3 very frequently. He is now requesting to be with me more often, which makes me feel good, because he is typically joined to W at the hip. I am teaching my S12 for his Bar-Mitzvah - no small task - and this has been a bonding experience. I want more GAL experiences, but I just can't seem to identify them. I also don't want to do something that will take me away from my kids.
Our first mediation appt is this Thursday. I am very anxious about it. I am not sure how/whether to prepare for it. Also Ws birthday in in 2 weeks. Not sure what to do? a card? a gift? I feel like I have to do something. Any suggestions?
