Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

*knock on wood* But it appears the spew seems to have stopped, for now. H hasn’t spewed anything hateful specifically towards me/our relationship in about 3-ish weeks.

He said that the first two months of our stitch, he was “pretty out of control” and that he “said a lot of things that he shouldn’t.” I’ve noticed when I mention what he’s said previously or referenced how I feel about it, he gets upset about it, but more in a regretful way. He’s told me, “I know what I said, I don’t need to be reminded of it” or “I didn’t say that.” Which, unfortunately, he had, and had forgotten in his spew. He has apologized for some of the things that he’s said and he generally apologizes for things that makes me feel bad. However, I don’t see the apologies for things that make me feel bad as an improvement per say, that’s a behavior that he’s always had. A stranger could stub a toe and he would apologize for it.

He is now taking 50% ownership of the marital problems, whereas before it was 100% my problems that drove him away. I’ll take that as progress.

I’ve seen some progress with a 180 over the past few weeks (which I promptly set back this weekend via angry text messaging – hooray!). My 180 has been to not push H to chat, and keep messages short and upbeat. The last week, he had stopped conversing because he was in a bad mood. He has decided to pull back from conversing when in a bad mood or whatnot, because “I’ve already taken enough of my anger out on you, I don’t want to do that anymore.” So anytime I got a message from him saying he didn’t want to chat – I basically said, “I’m sorry to hear that you’re still feeling stressed, I know that must be frustrating. Thanks for letting me know. Have a good night.” I have gotten several thank you messages from H, especially referencing my understanding for not talking and him wanting to assure me that he wasn’t trying to be a d*ck.

So my setback conversation - We had a pretty tense conversation this weekend via text and I got the following messages:

“All I can say is this, you are not a meaningless person, and you’re not a shitty person and I don’t hate you. I’m sorry I’m still where I am. I have a long road ahead of me. But I’m trying to fight to regain some sense of my former self.”

And later:

“I have no idea how to respond. I do care and I do give a [censored]. I apparently just have a hard time expressing it or something. I’m having a hard time articulating myself right now, I’m sorry it comes across as not giving a [censored]. This is all done with a heavy heart. Everything that’s going on this isn’t some [censored] spring break. It’s difficult.”

I’m having a hard time interpreting this. When he left, he completely became a different person. A very angry, hateful, emotionless person. The spew was horrific. I took all of it to heart, which I know I shouldn’t do, but I did. So when I see statements like the ones above, I don’t know what to do with it. I’m still stuck on the, “you ruined my life.” Or the “I will never open my heart to you because of all the pain you caused me.” I saw something in someone else’s thread last night that essentially change your mindframe about the person. To think that the person in your stitch does love you, instead of what is this [censored] doing to me now mindset.

It’s just hard, through all of this to think that my husband might still love me. His actions say otherwise. That this is difficult for him. I think the part about his anger and figuring out who he is, etc so forth is hard for him. But I don’t know if leaving me and possible never coming back is hard for him. He said once that it was harder emotionally to get a divorce then to work on a failing marriage.

In other news:

I’m trying to figure out our communication, especially with our stitch. I’m trying to let H initiate any and all conversations, and for the most part I’m trying to remain up beat, understanding, etc. H has noticed it, as mentioned before, and is appreciative of it. However, I’m having a hard time STFU sometimes and I’ve lashed out a couple of times. I lashed out Friday night. First lash out in about a month or so – which is progress, but still bad BDing.

I have no idea what to do. I feel that I need to be supportive, especially with his IC, his depression, and making sure he’s generally alive. But I don’t know if I should initiate a checking in text every couple of days or so. I feel like I should leave it in H’s hands, but since his new thing is not talking while he’s in anything less than a stellar mood, we may go weeks without speaking. It would be great progress if we could actually have a productive conversation – but that involves…..having a conversation.

Thoughts? Advice?