Thank you all for the words of encouragement and sorry for the late response. We are just getting back from vacation... And we all, H included, had a wonderful time.
Mozza, Maybell and Wounded - thank you for your words. So to touch on what I want... I want a loving R with my H where we both feel our feelings reciprocated by the other
Sandi - you are so wise. Your post resonates so much with me ... Do you know Me in real life? Lol
I am a very strong independent person --- I know difficult to think that based on my posts during our S. But I take charge and get things done. I so badly want H to be the one that takes charge but I've accepted that's not always going to be him. I have bowed down to allow him To be the man but In the same capacity if things don't get taken care of I see that it gets resolved. My mom pointed this out as well that my H probably felt inferior to me; that he didn't really feel as though I needed him. TBH I don't need him, I want him in my life but those 6 months showed me I can do it on my own. That in itself was empowering. I know the 19 yo stroked his ego. Everything was great to her whereas I'm more mature and we have the daily responsibilities of life and we aren't in La La land.
My H shows his love for me by taking care of things for me. This may sound silly. But my work car always has a full tank of gas even if it means him filling it up late at night if I work the next morning. He built me a convertible fun car for the beach last year for the boys and I. I know this is how he shows me he loves me. I guess it's just hard when. He's shown he can do/be/show more than he is doing right now. I know it's the chase- and now he's comfortable. But I'm thinking in the back of my mind --- is he regretting his decision? Is he talking to her again? Is he unhappy? Is he going to leave again? I really don't bring this up with him and I'm not sure it's appropriate to bring up in counseling because it's something I need to work on BUT his behavior can really fuel the uncertainties I feel.
I do have a lot of resentment I'm dealing with internally. How could he do what he did? Why did I let him off so easily? Why didn't I make him work harder? Did he really learn 'his lesson'? I feel like I let him step out on our M put us through hell and when he was over 'it' came strolling back in. I don't know how to move past this all besides time. But truth be told I love my H so incredibly much that. I am scared. I don't wantto lose him and I don't want to go through this again.
So in regards to vacation. I ended up working a ton of Ot last week and I paid for the days H would miss from work. I actually just made arrangements with his boss to pay for the days he would miss this way it wasn't a huge thing. I made sure to discuss this with H so he didn't think I was babying him or overstepping myself. He was really appreciative and I know if the roles were reversed he would have done so for me. We ended up talking everything out and moved forward from the issue. He apologized about the money comment and said it was in a moment of anger and that it was unfair because money hasn't been mentioned by me in regards to his job.
So we ended up driving to the mountains and had a great time with my family. We had a few too many by the fire outside and shared a lot of laughs and made some great memories. We ended up taking the boys to a local christmas tree lot and walked what seemed like miles until they found the perfect tree to cut down and it made it the long drive home on top of the truck lol ... Typical floridians we are
