Ahhhhhh. And, yet again, Maybell, you've shown why this community is so, so valuable.
No where else do I get this kind of perspective and pushing me to look inward. And it's just what I need.
You're right, I've felt stuck all month. Maybe longer, but definitely starting from the end of October-- my BD anniversary-- it's been a really tough few weeks. And I wasn't sure what I could do to get unstuck, besides some GAL, which I've been doing (more exercise! more cooking! more vacation planning!).
But seeing him with new eyes is definitely something I can do.
All my life I had dreamed of the princess scenario- to be scooped up and taken care of by a strong, handsome knight. I had a crazy realization this morning: my dad was helping me check something on the car I share with my H. We got it as a hand-me-down from his mom when D was about a year old. I had always been somewhat capable at dealing with stuff on my own car-- checking tires, oil, wiper fluid, etc. My dad trained me to do that when I drove to college 400 miles away.
This morning I realized that I didn't even know how to open the hood of the car I had been driving for 3 years.
I lost something of myself in the last few years, and it's time to get it back.
And, I think I can see him with new eyes. Maybe instead of being disappointed that he didn't live up to the white knight image I had in my head, I can accept him for who he is-- anxious, afraid of expressing emotions, unsure of himself in many situations.
Can *I* be the strong one in a R? Sometimes, sure. I can be a more equal partner. I don't have to be the mess that needs to be taken care of all the time because I can stand on my own.
Tonight, i was. I replied to his email: praised the 1% positive, acknowledged I had been judgmental in the past and was not proud of it, and assured him I (and many other parents I know) have experienced the same oppositional behavior at bedtime.
Maybell- I just want to clarify one thing, for myself: when i wrote
Quote:
I was also mostly thinking about how, if we were together, I'd now be able to commiserate and laugh WITH him at the situation, rather than judge and resent him like I used to do
it was less of a lament, and more of a hopeful kind of feeling. Like, I realized that I can sit there and allow him to struggle and NOT be so judgmental or controlling. That felt like a big step for me. Does that make sense?
Thanks so much, Maybell, labug and everyone else who has taken the time to call me on my cr@p and get me thinking deeper. I owe you all a lot.
