Oh man. I just got into it big time with my D. I was very reminiscent of my mother (I don't spank but tonight i was close). I'm feeling so weak. And hormonal. I freaking hate that hormones become just another obstacle to hurdle over during all this. It feels cruel and unfair.
I was not nice at all and I'm still reeling from it all. She just doesn't respond to kind requests. I feel like she only hears me when I'm loud. H was the same way. If feel like they only really hear me when I yell. I ask nicely 100 times, then I say, "ok, I'm really starting to get frustrated, I've asked you so many times to do this and you're ignoring me completely" but when I yell, it gets done. With D there's a lot of sass and defiance and I have had it up to here with it.
And those are words my mother said to us our whole childhoods, "you only listen when I yell". I could sit on the floor and cry with the pain of all that for days... And I'm saying the same thing to my daughter. And I said it to my H, too. For years.
I realize expectations of D to do as I ask vs H doing so are different. Her level of defiance is unreal. It's part of who she is. I know this, as much as it presents it's constant challenges to me. How do I get through to her? I don't want to yell but there is a point where I feel like I've ASKED for what I need but I can't get it so I explode with the feeling of, "I warned you this was coming!!"
I can only have so much patience, be ignored so much, be defied for so long before I explode and yet it's received with surprise like it's coming out of nowhere.
There is only so much I can handle and tonight I'm waving the white flag.
I feel alone tonight, for the first time in a while. I really needed back up tonight with D but there was no one to take my back. I don't want to have to get used to that but I guess I should. It makes me resentful because I've gone so long with no support when it came to D and now I get to just keep on handling this stuff on my own. She's a difficult kid and I can only take so much.
Add to that my hormones and I am not feeling like a rock star momma at all.
