The Black Knight II

[kml]

Ok, I know it's hard but you need to put Smokey aside for a bit. Yes, you need to answer the financial questions, but don't let that consume all your energy. Just start writing down everything you spent on the house maintenance and kids while Smokey was gone. Also document the condition of the house when he left. (Is he anticipating some profit from the sale of the house?).

As for budget...you MUST learn to budget. You can't live like this, not knowing whete your money is going and coming up short at the end of the month.

First things first....have you received the reimbursement for your moving expenses yet?

Second....when do you get your next paycheck? Will it cover rent and car payment when it arrives?

Third ....until rent and car are paid, you don't spend on anything else. No counselor, no tutor, these are luxuries you simply cannot afford this month. No eating out, eat up everything in the house then buy a big bag of dried beans and rice to eat for a week. Dried oats and powdered milk, and potatoes. The money saved on groceries for a week or two will help you get ahead.

Get out some paper envelopes and start an envelope system for budgeting. You really need this system. Make an envelope for each major expense: rent, electric, car insurance, groceries by week (week one grocer, week two etc...separate envelope for each), clothing, entertainment, insurance etc. Write the amounts available in the budget for each item. Don't forget to save for episodic expenses (for instance, if you have to pay $240 next year for car registration, put $20 a month into that envelope) . When you get paid you take the cash and divvy it into the envelopes (some, like entertainment and clothing may need th o stay empty for a couple of months). Only spend what the envelopes allow....for instance, if you only have $10 left in the grocery envelope and have two days left, it's top ramen or beans and rice until the end of the week.

Trust me, this system will keep you honest and on track. Do it together with D20...it's a skill she needs to learn too, and she's old enough to learn what it costs to run a household.

You can do this, but you need to get over your ostrich-head - in-the -sand approach to money.

[Lifes Twists]

In regards to you supplying a copy of your parents will. Your parents are not part of this divorce. Their will is between them and their attorney and is not part of your divorce. No judge can force them to disclose their will for your divorce. I would tell your attorney that your parents have chosen not to disclose it at this time. Let smokie go to court and try to force them to turn it over. Don't you give a copy to his attorney. What is in that will is none of their business.

[job]

Life Twists,

Amen! I've never heard of anyone requesting wills of parents while negotiating for divorce. The lawyer must be pulling rabbits out of the hat looking for avenues to use so that Smokey doesn't have to pay more than necessary. It's a new one on me!

[BklynMom]

Big hugs.

You can do it girl!!- you have come so far already. You moved to another state.

You definitely need to come up with budget that you can stick to, in the mean time can you borrow cash from a credit card at a reasonable rate. I hate to see you borrow from your mom, it just sets you up to be abused by her again.

These lawyers see the MLC guys from a mile away and rape them for every cent they can, my ex spent over 70 for his half of the divorce. What a fool.

Can your lawyer come up with a reasonable proposal for both you & Smokey. $500/month support seems like something which he might feel is reasonable?? Ultimately I had to come up with a proposal for my ex since the stuff his lawyer was putting together was non comprehensive for issues that mattered and overly detailed for issues that didn't.

You have done an amazing job, landing your new job and moving your girls. You should be so proud

[Lifes Twists]

My thoughts on the support are pretty basic. Child support is really spelled out in most states and should come off the top before anything else. Usually the state will have guidelines and a formula to determine child support. I would seek an immediate temporary order for child support. You could get $160.00 per week and that may be on the low side. I would ask your attorney to file for temporary orders to seek child support from smokie. The states generally won't screw the children and frown on that from anyone. Again, go on the offensive. If you file for a temporary child support order you may find smokie will try to get this settled real quickly. It should not cost you but a couple hundred dollars to get you attorney to file for a temporary child support order with the court. I would ask in it that it be done through the state getting the money from his employer and then sending it to you. This way you don't have to deal with him. The state will just take the money from his check and he can't stop it. Push back hard. He will get the idea pretty quick and run.

[GoatGal]

Heather,

I just wanted to say I've been reading along with your trials and tribulations with the (now infamous) Mr. Smoky, and I am just so sorry for you and your kids to have to go through this nightmare.


You have showed true strength and resilience, even now when you're feeling less like Super Hero Tony Stark and more like.... I don't know... someone without a flying iron suit.

I have to say that reading your sitch sort of scares me...because in the back of my mind I am secretly hoping that I will not be where you are... and that is a lie I am guilty of telling myself.

That somehow I will dodge the D bullet, or at least it will all go without a hitch and I'll sail through with hardly a blip on my emotional, financial, or personal radar.

I know, I know. Ain't gonna happen.

Reading your story reminds me that I well could find myself in a similar position in another year or so and it scares the Bejeezus out of me, if I'm being totally honest.

I may talk a good game; I'm confident... but the idea of starting all over, splitting up our home, animals, leaving everything to be on my own in my mid-fifties... dealing with a person who is (Hopefully, hopefully!!!) not as "Bad" as Smoky...
But then again, I have seen GUBU do and say some pretty awful stuff.

He too has his demons. And they do come out to play when he's under pressure.

Since in any D I plan to go for the jugular, I'm sure they will make an appearance.
And when I say "jugular", I mean everything the law allows, plus what I feel is fair considering. Not to leave him destitute, but I am not interested in things being "fair and equal" as he believes I do.

That I'm going to be "nice" to him because I'm always so "nice" and always "do the right thing." Well, the right thing FOR ME in a D is to get everything I can so I am as stable and secure as I can be going forward. I don't think he expects me to pull out the big guns, but he makes good money and I haven't had a "regular" job in over ten years.

Plus, I have "disabilities". Being D is going to be a huge financial step down for me, and I want to minimize that as much as possible. This was not my choice.

Anyhow.
You might not be feeling that way now, but I think you're a pretty brave chick.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Your Pal,

The Goal Gal

[AJM]

Oh Heather. Here you are at the end of the game, at the darkest before dawn hour, stressing over the outcome.

Girl. Take a breath. LT gave some really good advice as did Job and the others. When you look at that list, realize that most of it is smokescreening. It's an easy tactic - wear your opponent down.

But as was mentioned, no state is going to screw the kids. They handle this stuff all the time and are wise to the shenanigans of divorcing parties. They are wise to the family dynamics. They are likely more tired of it than you are and are looking for an opportunity to find such a lopsided arrangement and right that wrong. But they will always side in favor of the children. Always.

When you look at that list, separate the wheat from the chaff. In negotiation, you ask for the world and accept what you can get. It's that simple. What you take off the table, is off the table unless and until they come back and try again. But the first salvo is to ask for everything.

The wills? Nah. Let them get a court order if they feel they can. It's not their business. It's not on the table.

What is on the table is the child support. The support for you. How do you get that? As suggested, ask for it. Ask for the temporary ruling until things are solved. That gives you the money your kids deserve and puts the pressure where it belongs - on Smokey.

The rest of it? You can and should answer what is reasonable. The rest? Take it off the table and let them fight for it. I doubt a judge will issue an order to get your parents financial information.

In the initial approach, they can ask for anything. That's how you get distracted - trying to answer it all and defend. But if you take things off the table and add some more of the truth...

Ask for the unfit parent ruling. Ask for the homeowners information. Ask for the world if you feel like it, but those things should help to put the spotlight back where it belongs.

And then? Put the issue down and focus on the things you need to focus on. And only those things.

Objectivity is your friend in these things, Heather. Learning to let them stay in their place and not worry about them is the key to success. Without your emotions and being rattled, they have NO case. So it's only going through the motions, without emotion, that will help you prevail.

If it helps, I went through similar with mine. Her lawyer saw her coming a mile away. By the end of it, her lawyer was helping me

Take a breath. Drop the emotions around the questions. Focus on the important things in your life.

Dating? You have time for that? That seems a messy distraction, if not something at least fun for a bit.

Take a breath.

AJ

[LoisB]

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit catatonic today. Trying to get moving.

Issue Number One: I get paid $769 per week. I claimed 2 exemptions (two federal and two state). My check is $600 per week. This is well below what I thought my take home would be.

Any suggestions?

[LoisB]

Sent my attorney an email. Asked about going on the offensive about the roommate and drug use.

Asked when I need all this paperwork done.

Told him I have an appt with the Superintendent this week.

It's keeping my job through all of this that worries me. I know I'm tough, but even I know I have my limits.

[LoisB]

Superintendent meeting is tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m.