I am not gonna say I know all ... but reading your sitch and well lets face it we all have a common bond here. I just get the feel that after the struggle you have been through, there you are, a survivor in the wreckage and yeah .. you are exploring options, window shopping .. trying on things to see if they fit, its new and strange, and maybe that scares you. Your identity has been stripped GB, so you are in the process of rebuilding that ... there is nothing to be ashamed of in that quest ... nor do I think you need to fit a mold you had in your head. I just think you have hit a point in your life where its ok to play, try new things ... and to be honest it would scare the hellions out of me, you are living it so I can not imagine the emotions you are going through.
I would think your walls provide comfort, you do not want anyone in .. well because then its real ... in a way its kinda pretend right now and thats fine, as you work on what and who it is you desire to be, you did not ask for all this .. you deserve a chance to discover yourself for once. I think you are handling this so well .. its refreshing to see the honestly on what is going on with you.
