New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

I'm new to the forum and as a newcomer here is my story.

I married my soulmate. Our "courtship" was filled with fireworks, happiness, experiences, trips and fun. For the first 12 months of us dating, she scrapbooked each get together with at least one sentence, bound it with pictures and gave it to me as a present. This was our life. I never second guessed that I married the right person and I never wanted anything else.

I graduated from college in MA and moved to CT for work. A year later, she graduated and joined me in CT. I planned an elaborate proposal full of family, friends and experiences to which she said yes. Two years later, she was pregnant, we were moving back home to NH, building a house there, and both of our companies were allowing us to work from home. At the same time, she was diagnosed with a very rare kidney disorder (that her father, aunt & uncle have which requires a transplant later in life). Because of the disorder she was a high risk pregnancy. Two years later we added a second child. He came into the world with a bang, & almost killed my wife. He followed that up with a 19 day stint in the NICU.

As parents we continually put our children first, second, third and fourth. We didn't have a date night with each other until 18 months after each kid was born. Quality time, sex, shared experiences and resolution from communication was all on the decline. On the incline, was stress and careers. I traveled for 96 days between July 2013 & Jan 2014. Which she was very supportive at the time. However, each time I came home things seemed further disconnected. She was also traveling for work. Further complicating our life.

In Jan 2014, I approached her noticing that things were different and not in a good way. She identified to me that “she wasn’t happy.” She told me she wanted to discuss things with her Dad (her rock and a good listener). I tried to be supportive not fully understanding what was going on and carved out time so they could go snowboarding together. Time went by. I found out this fall that she didn’t talk with her Father until June. After more time, what I thought was her thing was definitely our thing. In Aug/Sept, she started to explain things to me. Her premises were/are:

1 - I love you, but I’m not in love with you
2 - I’m not happy
3 - People don’t change
4 - Relationships aren’t work

These premises don’t promote healthy relationships. Furthermore, she believed over a year and a half earlier, that I had an affair on business travel. It was at this point that I figured out things needed to change, but she wanted nothing to do with therapy of any kind. So, I started working on me… I went to a therapist, and also picked up DB book to improve my immediate chances of repairing my marriage. Half way through the book, I also scheduled mentoring with a DB coach. My journey and emotions have run the entire spectrum. As a person willing to make so many changes and conduct interpersonal discovery, I am angry that I never got an ultimatum or was never propositioned by her for change. On November 2nd she moved out, we are working through lawyer mediation now.

She is a private person, who doesn’t like confrontation, and is slightly stubborn. By the time I joined the conversation the seed was planted and her resolution was to remove me from the equation, & therefore, she will be happy. Similar to a WAW.

Thanks to her, I have learned more about myself (what I need/want from a relationship, my relationship viewpoints, my insecurities) in the past 3 months than I have in the last 5 years. I am re-evaluating my life, creating new goals and priorities. Investing time on re-identifying myself with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am hurt to more core, I miss her, I love her and I am very upset/disappointed. However, it is my job to make sure that this isn’t the defining moment of my life. I have two wonderful children who need a caring, strong, supportive father. I am the only father they will ever have. It is my job to be that person.

Two ideas that are constantly on my mind:
1 - We did not choose poorly. We choose not to change as our relationship did.
2 - I can’t control her or the things she says and does.

Some days I am ready to take on the world and other days I don’t even want to look in the mirror. That is a part of grieving unfortunately. Also, it is part of detaching (I’m definitely within the last resort technique at this point).

This is an 873 word glimpse into my New England DB Story.