How long is too long?

[2thepoint]

Here I am, another sleepless night. What gives?!? S12 spent the night again last night and today we spent most of the day watching football and goofing around.

Tonight I find my mind racing and thoughts of my future and my past keep creeping into my thinking. I'll be turning 50 in a few weeks. 20 years ago I was 30 and 20 years from now I'll be 70. Time is fleeting.

The other day while at the house I was poking around looking for a bag of old photographs that I recovered after my grandfather died 10 or so years ago. I haven't found them yet but did come across several pictures of the kids when they were babies. They were such cute kids and while it wasn't all that long ago, it seems like an eternity has passed since they were that little.

Anyway, while looking through these old pictures I also came across some photos of W and I during happier times. Some of the pictures I had completely forgotten about but once I saw them, a flood of memories came rushing back into my consciousness. Many of the pictures were not even 5-6 years ago. We've been separated for 3 years, so how could everything fall apart in such a short time?

W was much healthier then as well. By healthy, I mean her depression wasn't nearly as severe as it appears today. And it struck me that I actually have pictures of her! Today, she will not allow herself to be photographed. There is a whole period of her life for which there is no photographic evidence of her existence. I regret that for the sake of the kids when they get older and will want to remember their mother but will not have any pictures to look at. I wish I could reach her if for no other reason than to help her dig her way out of the darkness. But I realize it is not my issue to work through, she must do this on her own.

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What am I going to do, you ask? I think I really have no choice now but to get this D done and move on completely. As I have stated previously, I really was trying to shield the kids from all this but I fear that my approach is perhaps not helping matters at all. And maybe W needs me gone, completely in order for her to heal herself.

So, I guess I just need to suk it up and get moving and try to be as supportive as I can with the kids and try to reclaim my life. I do miss loving and being loved.

For those that are separated and wonder what works and what doesn't, I have some advice. I will share my thoughts in another post in the hopes that others might learn from my mistakes.

I guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading.