Newcomer With Hope (3)

[Little]

I keep trying to journal to get my emotions out of my head and then I go back and delete it all and start over.

On one hand, I'm wondering how someone breaks up with someone they've meshed intimately with for ten years and doesn't second-guess themselves. What kind of a person finds no positives after 10 years, and then immediately hooks up with other people as though their heart were never invested in their long-time lover? How can you not miss someone you've come home to for that long, that you've shared so much with?

On the other hand, I say that those are HIS faults and failures. He knows how I feel about him and he knows that, given the chance, I'd move mountains for him. My passion is real and sincere. That said, I know that I also deserve someone that will move mountains for me, too. Someone that will choose me. Someone that loves me and wants to put the effort into me.

We have no contact, so how am I supposed to show him I've changed? And another part of me says that if he wanted to contact me, he would be doing it. He doesn't miss me, because if he did.....well, I guess that train of thought is pointless. It's hard for me to stay positive, even though I know -- logically -- that no one knows what the future will bring, not even BF.

I'm not exactly in a bad mental place, but I guess there's a calm anger within me today, if that makes sense.

I'm a lover and a fighter, both. I wish BF had the capacity to give me even a fraction of what I give/have given/would redouble my efforts to give him.

IC says that, emotionally, I'm exactly where I should be given the situation. That I'm not insane or weak or stupid for feeling the way I do about BF. That this partner is one I was more open and vulnerable and "deep" with than any other person in my life, so it's okay to take my time getting over it, so long as I try to inch forward. It just hurts.