newbie needs help part 5

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Igit,

Before I get specific, can you tell me what YOU are working on, to become a better man and h to her? You spend a lot of time on her issues and her flaws but I want to know what you believe YOUR role was in this....b/c you are all you control.

You are the one here, she's not here. So we cannot 'Fix" your wife. We MIGHT be able to help you become a better h though, so can you help us, to help you?

Dig deep. Really OWN your stuff, which means face it & work on repairing it.

BTW, I DO think your friendship with your BIL, who was felt to be a rival of hers, did damage b/c it was not seen as being loyal to her.

Do you get that? Do you see why? How is your IC going?

25yearsmlc, so wife went out xmas shopping got home for lunch. I was watching fb game in my room. W came in and laid on bed with me and watched game for a while. We ended up down in living room watching game. She sat beside me on couch.


^^^ All positives!

I told her I was sorry for some of the things I have said to her over this sitch. She was very sweet and told me it was ok. We held hands for a few minutes. First time since this all began. I told her I would do things alot different if I had to do it over. She was looking in my eyes while I spoke to her.

It's a great line if you mean it. What do you mean when you say that? I don't know so I'm sincerely asking. I cannot think of anything you think you have done wrong or improperly or that you can improve on....so, what would the new improved YOU look like?

What should your wife be able to envision if she were to see you as the man she wanted/needed as her mate?
This is something you must become specific with...flesh it out and put DETAILS in the picture so you know who you want to be and so she could see it.


Thanksgiving day during a conversation she asked me what I wanted her to do. I said just take a step back for a while and talk to each other more. So I feel she knows it is up to her and if given the chance I would be different in the future. It's all a matter of re attracting her.

I would not assume that your statement is sufficient for her to believe "all will be different". Surely you have SAID things before but then not really delivered, which is what she fears.

Understand that.

HER FEAR is that by reconciling too fast and without real work on both your parts, you two will revert and the marriage you had, which she does not want, will resume.

Your actions will always speak much louder than your words and vague promises.

For starters, What are you going to DO differently?

How are your GAL activities going these days? Do you have 2 GAL yet?
Can you name 2 180s?

We hammer them^^ for one reason...they work. And yes, it's part of the re-attracting her. So is the chance that she will lose you. But don't mistake being a bit mysterious with being cold or indifferent

Some parts of DBing require a lot of balancing.