Going Down Hill 2

[GoatGal]

Hey there, zed.

Sorry to read you've been hanging out in the spewing wind by yourself these past days. I know many have been busy with Thanksgiving, etc., so it's been rough.

Just reading part of your sitch, it looks as though you're in a rough spot.
It's hard to say if you really are being stubborn, or--as I suspect--your wife is working really hard into intimidating you into doing what SHE wants you to do and so far it hasn't worked.

So now she's upping the ante, saying the kids will suffer... As if they won't suffer when their mother blows up their family?

This is just my opinion now, but here it is:

I think it's perfectly fair to expect 50/50 custody of YOUR children. At least. That is, if you are in a position with work/finances, to provide a good environment for them.

I also think it's perfectly fair for you to remain in YOUR house, at least for the time being. It sounds as though, if W really wants "space" she can go stay with her mother, right?

You offered to buy another house and do what is called "Nesting" meaning the kids stay put and you and W alternate staying in the home with them. If you can afford it, what is wrong with this setup in your W's mind, do you think?

You are out, GALing, as you should be. As long as you are keeping up with your responsibilities around the home and being the best father you can be, that GALing should be your #1 priority for you to detach.
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So yeah--put on the spew jacket and try and ignore her until more vets chime in here. It really sounds like she's trying to bait you or make you feel guilty for not being the perfect husband in the past, and hope that will cause you to back down, move out, and give her--what--75% custody of the children and the house?

Of course you could have done things better in the marriage.
But let's look at who is doing what NOW. She is breaking up the family. You are trying to keep it together.

Leaving her husband hardly qualifies for "Wife of the Year".
So do not let her push all the guilt onto you for whatever mistakes you might have made in the past.
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I don't recall all of your sitch, but did she repeatedly voice her discontent and/or suggest solutions to her unhappiness? Did you ignore or downplay her concerns?
Those things are all important to see where so much resentment is coming from on her end.

But many times, the LBS are just human. Not perfect, could have done things better, maybe were a$$hats from time to time. But usually the WAS is no saint, either.
You made mistakes, you'll keep from making the same ones in the future, right?

But today, she is spewing like crazy, sounds like.

So I would give her all the space she wants--but SHE needs to be the one to get it for herself. There is no need for you to hide in the bathroom because she doesn't want you around. If that's the case, she can go out, or go into another room.

Try not to respond to anything right now other than to validate what she says.
I would NOT repeat your case any more, that "she needs to give herself space", etc.

Just do what you would normally do and let HER take the actions SHE needs to take.

It's a boundary thing.
You're not supposed to try to control her or make her do anything, but she is trying to do that to you. She doesn't have that power. You don't need to explain it to her again.


The more you allow her to dredge up these subjects over and over and beat them to death, while berating you in the process for not doing what she wants, it weakens your position.

You have stated your case... now let it go.

If she complains, you can say something like: "The children and I are going to watch a movie here in the living room..." If she complains, simply say "You're free to do as you wish. This is what I am going to do."

Yes. She is going to call your assertiveness "pigheaded" and "stubborn". Because it's probably new for you (?)
As long as you are acting in accordance with your values, with compassion, and the best interests of yourself and your children at heart, then you are on the right track.

I'd plan on her increasing her spew as she realizes that she's not getting everything she wants.
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And--not to freak you out---but somebody else on here suggested she may well have OM waiting in the wings. Most women don't jump out of the marriage until they have something else to jump into. Especially if they're in a big hurry to do so.

So fasten your seatbelt for that possibility.

No need to respond to spewing texts, comments, emails, or anything else. If she communicates with you in a calm, reasonable way, you can engage with her as long as you're not repeating what you've already said. If it requires immediate action on your part.
Aside from that, I'd work hard on being pleasant but busy, busy, busy, being upbeat with your kids and your GALing, and not too interested in her at the moment! Shift your focus to something--anything else--for the next few days.

If your position is she is going to be the one to move out and you want 50/50 custody, then that's the price she pays for leaving the M. If you believe this is right, then stick to your guns.


Hang in there....

--(G)GGG