Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

Thank you Starsky and Wonka for your comments on exposure and lying.

If I felt sure exposure would help save my marriage, I would do it right now. I only have a few emails from October. The one that is bad for OM is where he tried to impress my W by sending her a link to a confidential CIO conference he participated in for his company. I also have 2 where they planned dinners that show W's lying. I snooped to get those emails. If I do get any evidence to show W's recent lying, or if she is in fact having a PA, should I use it like you suggest Wonka to set a boundary on the lying? Even if it gives away snooping? I know that I am in a difficult place there because, when she's angry, she says she does not want to work on our M. I want to give her reasons to choose working on the M.

I do admit I would likely push my W from hour home if I exposed all this to W's Christian family... especially to her very-religious mom. I do want to save this M. I don't know if she lied about last night and she doesn't help things by volunteering information and seemingly being secretive at the same time. She did just text me she will travel to visit her family in February. Maybe a good time for her mom to step in.

Honestly... I'm tired of all this back and forth with her. Figuring out how to respond to her... when and which texts to answer... when to answer her phone calls. I don't call or text her at all. She seems to temperature check me with a light text like "Me and boy are having a great time!" She did that just now. I answer with "Happy to hear it" 20 minutes later. (maybe I shouldn't.) Then she'll immediately texts multiple questions like "what are you doing?" "when will you be home?" or "I'm going on a trip home! Do you want me to take the boy?"

At times like this, I'm starting to not want anything to do with her. It's like she wants me to be the bad guy who is responsible for ending our M. So she keeps pushing and poking me to so she can say things like... "well I offered MC but you didn't accept," or "well I tell you where I'm going but you are still suspicious," or "I call and send texts but you're not talking to me." It is maddening how she's expecting reasonableness from me while she acts in ways that she knows are deeply hurtful to this family.

Doesn't matter... I'm still to pull way back while acting friendly and as if I'm moving on. Unless I cause her to leave... we have until June to live together. I just have to get better at being better me on days like this.

On the other hand... I'm starting to get overwhelmed with options. I just want to feel good about the track I'm on. I know that I wont get that feeling from her and I shouldn't look for it. Better to see that I'm doing what I know I should be doing and judging my results on my execution.

I'll have to make another list of what I'm doing so I can feel clear again.