But I just smile and keep doing like I did... right?
Please try not to confuse having a smile on your face as meaning that is what Dbusting is all about. That is like having your spouse beat you to a pulp and thinking you should smile about it and say "thanks, I needed that and I will just keep on smiling"
It really is more of an entire change of attitude. Detaching where she would see and feel that you have let go. Not being mean or rude, but in your own little world. Becoming mysterious to let her wonder why the change in your demeanor. If she asks what is up with you... "Nothing, just doing some thinking" and then changing the subject and then going back into your own little world... Again, not mean or punitive.. Just a change in demeanor. (I'm big boy and I can handle it attitude)
That is how you handle someone who you don't trust or you know is lying to you. It's a demeanor of I really don't want to be with someone who I don't trust or who lies to me. It shows in your entire demeanor.. AGAIN, not mean or punitive. just matter of fact. Mysterious in what you are thinking.. Smiling when talking on the phone to someone else that she doesn't know who you are talking to. Smiling that you are running out the door to do something YOU are passionate about. I don't believe that means we smile as they lie to us or treat us with disrespect. Please don't confuse that issue. It also doesn't mean if we don't smile that we need to be mean or punitive.
I also agree with 25mlc about the workshop. Makes no sense to not go when she offered and initiated it. Why cut off your nose to spite your face? Let the workshop itself do it's magic. Your choice, but I think it is a major mistake to not take her up on her offer. Workshops are NOT the same as marriage counseling......You could have agreed to go, but let her believe your weren't sure there could be any progress. (that way there is no pressure and you haven't shown you are backing down from your boundaries)
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Third, I hope you like different opinions b/c here's one. cool
I don't agree with your refusal to go to a Workshop like Imago (or Essential Experience, aka "EE", for that matter) b/c your w is in an A.
Why?
B/C if Imago is at all like Retrovaille, (and I"ve heard that it is). then imo,
SHE CANNOT endure and get through a weekend of those talks and meeting those married couples and hearing the stories and doing the exercises and doing the introspective work and digging deep,
and Stay IN an affair AND stay married. At least I don't see how.
I mean, that's a whole lot of denial to endure and a lot of people to ignore, and for what?? To say "I tried"? She can do that in a MC's offices for less money and a lot faster! IF Imago is at all like Retrovaile or EE, I believe she'd never leave that workshop still active in the A, And Staying with you. I don't see how.
I'm not saying you have to go pretend all is well and you're just fine & dandy.
But those workshops are designed for marriages in crisis - and if you are trying to show her that you can change, how will you ever do that? Won't you just appear stubborn and resentful and punitive?
