I decided to take some stock of myself today, to see if I have gained anything from our separation. I feel like I am lost and that I have lost so much of what used to be my life.
I have gotten healthier (although Thanksgiving week blew that a bit, heh heh).
I have more control over how I express myself. I always tended to be somewhat fiery and excitable, but have toned that down to almost non-existent.
I have proved that I am a hard worker after being out of work for a while. I was made to feel like a layabout for a while and I was never that way. I like working, it's integral to who I am.I believe that again.
I was (and am) made out to be some horrid person by my wife over the last six months, and I am finally convincing myself that's simply not the case. I am a decent human being, who loves freely. I am deeply hurt by those who break my trust (something I have not conquered)because I love so deeply when I do. I am supportive and care about people I like or love.
Although I am receiving the blame for the break up of my marriage (and I still have not heard solid reasons - or at least none I understand as irrevocably broken things - from my wife as to why she left or why she continues to carry so much anger), I know that I was supportive, communicative, loving, affectionate and very willing to bring comfort. I may not have been perfect, but I sincerely believe I was a decent husband for the vast majority of our marriage as well as a good dad.
The things I am working on are to work more on detachment and GAL. The last one seems so hard; outside of work I am finding it hard to meet people to do things with (my wife's family were the people we hung out with before. I found some 'divorce groups' around here, but they seem a tad cliquish and don't do much. My 'hobby', more than anything, was my family; that's where I spent my time and energy. I'm having a hard time replacing that with anything else.
I haven't found a way to beat this feeling of extreme loneliness.
I haven't given up. Although it's bruised and battered, I still have hope. And I love my wife. I think I may have forgiven her for the hurt and lies as well...but I am not all the way there yet as I still harbor some anger. Not much, but its there. I'm sure that completely forgiveness is very much possible. It would be a lot easier if there was some progress towards a reconciliation.
