I've been posting in the infidelity forum since DDay in September 2014 and I am hoping to gain some perspective on the SSM issues in my M. I believe that is a major factor that lead to my W's affair.
My W is moving out in a few days and I've been through the roller coaster of pursuit, then found DB and started to back off and GAL, theb I made 180s and my W has taken notice and has opened up to talking with me and confusing in me, although she has stood firm that she wants out of the M. Her reasons for leaving, as she says it, are to be independent, free, and not have to answer to someone. She says having the A gave her clarity and now she wants to have sex with more OMs to figure out what she likes/wants sexually.
She has gone off the deep end morally, has lied to me repeatedly, is not acting logically, has shut herself off to her father, close friends, and fights with her mom often. Her mother is trying to be available to her but doesn't agree with her choices.
The SSM issues in our R have changed roles, at one pint I was the HD spouse and she was the LD, primarily because she was afraid of getting pregnant earlier in our M. She also had some moral guilt of having sex in general, although she often said she knew she shouldn't feel guilty since we were now married. I basically gave into the reality as I saw it, that a SSM was my fate and lived with occasional sex. I certainly did a poor job communicating my sexual needs and expectations at that time, although I did try to communicate. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I have zero basis to communicate my sexual needs now without that looking like pleading/begging, but I know that will be extremely important if we reconcile or a must in any future relationships.
The SSM roles switched earlier this year, and I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back I believe her changing types of birth control started the change in her hormonally. She became more interested in movies/books with sex scenes, started to be more kinky with sex with me, and eventually had an affair with a coworker on an out of town project in September 2014.
Since we've been recovering from the aftermath of the affair over the past few months, she has told me she is lonely, wants to have sex, but hasn't approached me for sex. I did approach her early on before finding DB, but stopped pursuing her as I quickly learned it was pushing her away.
She has told me she knows what it would take to reconcile our M, which is a lot of hard work, and she says she is not willing to do that. She wants to start over with her life without me. Although she also says I'm amazing and the perfect husband, will make a great father someday, etc. Her family and friends all love me and most are disappointed that she is throwing her great life away for what they perceive as an empty, lonely life. She is a grad student and is 6 months away from graduation, but in her career field the jobs are few and far between and right now she has no serious job prospects.
I am seeking wisdom for saving my M. I believe that the SSM issues are at the core of what drew my W towards the OM, and the loneliness of not having sex for the past few months (as far as I am aware) and high of sex with strangers is why I think she primarily wants to move out.
