How long is too long?

[2thepoint]

Finding myself lying in bed unable to sleep so I thought I'd start a new thread (I know it has been a long while).

The W ditched me over 3 years ago and we've been separated since Nov 2011. We have a strange relationship now. It is hard to describe. I wouldn't call it friends. Maybe more like family, if that makes sense.

I was at the house today, sort of helping my S16 prepare for his DCI tryouts. Our relationship has been a little strained as of late, mostly having to do with his grades at school and the fact that he is well...16! Things will improve over time, I suppose.

S12 spent the night with me the other night. He seems to enjoy it. We laugh a lot and watch sports together. But we never talk about the sitch, ever. No one does. It is really weird to my way of thinking. Anyway, a friend suggested I should probe a little with the kids to get a sense of where their heads were at.

I'm sure there was/is a better way to go about this but I asked S12 if he and W ever talk about "us". He said no. I probed further and asked if he ever thinks about us living together again (I regret asking this). The poor kid put his face in his hands and started crying. I felt so bad. I tried to get him to open up but he just buries it down deep inside himself. After awhile, I suggested that he take a shower since the morning was wearing on and we needed to get moving. As I was helping him get his stuff together I gave him a hug and told him I loved him, no matter what! Through tears, he said he loved me too.

Whoever says kids are resilient and are unharmed by divorce/separation are lying or just plain ignorant!

One of the things that I have worked very hard to avoid is dragging the kids through this crisis. W and I rarely argue, and when we do, we try to keep the kids out of it. We do lots of things together as a family (vacations, sporting events, etc.) Part of the reason I haven't filed for D is because of the whole visitation thing. The thought that the courts would mandate who sees who, when and for how long makes me sick to my stomach. Forcing that kind of regimen on the kids just feels like it would be all the more traumatic for them.

This is why I endure. But I really don't see things ever coming together in a way that would enable a reconciliation.

This may sound harsh, but over the past 3 years, my W's depression has worsened. She is on countless medications, continues to see a therapist, but all the signs point to the fact that she is no better, in fact is probably worse than she was 3 years ago.

Here are a few examples:
- She spends most of her time in her bedroom (guest bedroom)
- Clothes and pill bottles and God knows what are all over the floor.
- When she goes grocery shopping, she brings all the groceries home, puts them on the floor, puts away the perishables and leaves everything else right where she left it until it is time to go grocery shopping again.
- Dishes piled up in the sink, bathrooms, never get cleaned
- When light bulbs burn out (i.e. laundry room) she works in the dark.
- She has shunned all of her friends and her family for the most part.

The list goes on and on. When it comes to the kids however, by all appearances she is the model mom. She is very involved in all of their extracurricular activities (almost as if that is her escape). And this involvement is a good thing as it keeps the kids out of trouble and focused. But, her depression also manifests itself in what I consider to be her permissiveness with other things, like routine chores. She doesn't push it so the kids don't either. It is part of the reason why the house is a wreck.

Just the other day, I heard S16 taking a shower in the guest bathroom (the one W uses exclusively). I asked W why he was using that shower and she said the light is out in the other bathroom and the tub is clogged (apparently had been that way for several weeks).

It galls me that she lets things run down the way she does. But I know it is symptomatic of her depression. Awhile back I suggested that she live in my apartment and I would move back to the house and do repairs and get it sold. She never acknowledged my suggestion.

So anyway, lots more to tell but now I'm getting sleepy. Writing this post has been helpful for me in seeing that it really is time I do something. One of my original threads was titled "how many licks..." I think I know the answer.