Confusion is getting better, I think...

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks. It was impulsive.
I was thinking about it. While it was tolerated it is still not what I need. I need her to want that from me, not it to be tolerated by her for my sake.

The way I read the situation about affection and intimacy was that she wanted affection AND foreplay (before/during sex) but the two are not the same.

I have the feeling you did not show her affection UNLESS it was a prelude to sex which means it was not really just affection, and even that was lacking b/c you said you wanted to pretty much go at it when you wanted to ml, whereas she needed to warm up more (like almost every woman over the age of 25 does, btw...)

That's my .02 on that part of this. The other thing is that these "sandi's rules" you refer to are NOT "rules" but guidelines that are based on the principles of DBing and when she assembled those one afternoon, Sandi also mentioned that "not all apply"

and of course if your main issue in terms of intimacy s that you did NOT show her real affection - then is withdrawal from her such a great idea?

And make no mistake, the affection you are offering her is NOT a gift from you.

It's a request you are making OF her...for HER to GIVE YOU more affection, which is ironic, don't you think?




I am so (lots of emphasis on so) used to being the person who takes charge and makes things move forward in our home, relationship, etc, that it becomes hard for me to let that go.

Yes, well that is Often confused with OR properly labeled as "controlling". Don't scoff, it may be seen that way, like you pretty much take over & blame her for it.

It's coming across that way to ME and the other part is that it's clear you "do it all" with the expectation you'll be admired and thanked for it, and if not, you resent it.

I think the "low conflict" marriage was simply a repressed one. What do you think?


She often is very passive in doing things. People ask what she want (it can be anything): "I don't know" or "I don't care. Anything is fine" are her stock answers.

she sounds very depressed and apathetic, imo. Has she ever been treated or seen for that?

She is good at telling you if she doesn't want something, but being proactive in life: not so much. This is not just with me either, this is with family and friends. That is probably why I end up doing most of the stuff around the house.
In light of that I get fearful that she'll never tell me what she wants and she'll drag out this holding pattern indefinitely.
I know I need to let that go. Be proactive with myself. I am looking at some ACOA books to read for myself. My family has been in recovery for over 30 years, but who knows if there are some issues that are coming into play that I wasn't conscious of.

Been there, done that. I got something out of a few meetings but after awhile the stories sounded rehearsed and the participants like "victims" who were sort of into that.

I went back once, a few Christmases later after my dad died. And I heard a man tell a familiar story and I recognized him as a man who told the SAME story 5 years earlier as if it had happened the day before.

Turned me off to an extent. But please, by all means DO go if that helps you. Especially since you saw no affection at home and seem to think you are destined to repeat that.

You CAN break a cycle, you know?

Why not Start now?