Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[GoatGal]

WB... no harm done.

I just hate to see "Mean" and "Goat Gal" in the same sentence.

I probably did come off harshly and didn't mean to.

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to how we allow others to treat us, what constitutes a healthy, interdependent relationship, and which relationships need some serious wake-up calls on behalf of one or both parties to have any chance at all.

What I meant was, if a divorce is something you have decided is going to be best for your well-being in light of your circumstances, no one can blame you for making that decision. I would not advocate staying in a relationship or situation where you are not being treated with kindness and respect. I don't think anyone should for very long, which is why so many folks say it's eventually up to the LBS to make the decision on whether or not the M will go forward.

Many could stay in half-life marriages, trying to make the best of things, but at the expense of themselves, their values, and their self-esteem. Personally, I don't think that's a good thing.

So divorce, in some cases, (abuse, neglect, ongoing adultery, financial indiscretions, addiction, dishonesty, etc.) would be the healthiest outcome.

Many of us DBers make a conscious effort to give our wayward spouses the benefit of the doubt while they are in their wayward state; buying time, working on ourselves, sucking up a lot of STFU juice and CTHD cookies.
But we are always cautioned to stay true to our values and behave in a way when we look back at our actions down the road we will know that we did the best we could, and that we acted with integrity and honor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

If your religious convictions and personal ethics demand that you do whatever is required to stop your wife's adultery, then that is YOUR code of honor.
If you felt it was necessary to expose the A because of your ethics, then the end result isn't exactly the point. You act from a place of your values and let the chips fall where they may.

However, the exposure may conflict with your ability to reconcile with her down the road because of added resentment.
And as Wonka said, be careful that you are not creating an agenda for her. That puts your relationship as parent-child instead of spouse-spouse and is not a healthy dynamic.

I too have read other points of view (Marriage Builders, notably, I think) that advocate outing the affair early, and to everyone. It does have an impact, that's for sure.

But one thing that perspective assumes is that the wayward spouse still wants to be married, is remorseful, wants to save the marriage, and wants to make amends. In that case, they might still be attached enough to the LBS to be shamed and scared into straightening up because they don't want to lose their marriage for some stupid fling.

Which doesn't sound like most of the cases on this board, sorry to say. Many of the WAS here are either in MLC, or have decided they no longer want anything to do with us, which means ANY reason we give them to demonize us further will be used against us.

------------------------------------------------------------

When I read "filed my response/divorce imminent" I ASSumed that meant YOU had decided that it was in your best interest to proceed. I'm sorry if I misunderstood that.

Most folks here are dragging their feet to buy time, no matter how much pressure our WAS are putting on us.

That said, there is ALWAYS hope. No matter what you do/don't do, it will be what it will be. Everyone here has hoped for the magic bullet at some point or another.

There is no magic bullet to save our M. And if that's true, then the opposite is as well.
There is no one thing/series of things we can do "just right" that will fix everything either. (No matter how many times that needs to be repeated.)

So the most important thing in the end is, did you do the best you could with what you had to work with? Did you make decisions from a place of compassion and integrity?

That to me is the real benchmark for making decisions.

---(G)GGG