KGirl con't

[KGirl]

Thanks, 25 (can I add that I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing you've been posting on my thread because usually I see you posting on the people who are really struggling?? :S). Yes, there is a pattern. Lots of other people (friends, family) have seen it and commented on it in the past and still today. H himself even said around the time of BD "I just think I'll end up cheating on you at some point if we stay together because I'll always be wondering what else is out there." I guess I've been willing to always keep trying because he's never actually physically cheated, at least not that I know of. I think I'm just still angry that he or I didn't figure this out and end things before we got this far down the line (marriage, house, pets, etc.) Maybe we just didn't know what else to do. My mom even said recently "You guys were together so long.. marriage seemed like the natural next step.. and you'd think given how long you were together you'd be able to get through anything."

You are completely right that pursuing has not and will not help. All of the other times I pursued him so hard that I may have just convinced him to stay with me, and I shouldn't have to convince someone so hard to do that. It doesn't bode well. And you are also right that I still am secretly hoping he'll change and realize how great I am and how much he'll be losing and rededicate himself to our M. But there are surely no signs of that being likely to happen.

I've been tempted at times when talking with people I know a little better to say "he wanted it, not me," but I felt like that was really throwing him under the bus and not being my best self by saying that. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about protecting him? I'm not really bad mouthing him, just stating the truth, in a pretty simple way. And yes, I think I am fearful about truly believing he did me a favor because that will mean I made a poor choice in choosing who to marry first.. and how can I ensure I don't make a similarly poor choice in the future (especially since I don't really know what I should be looking for the next time around, given he hasn't been able to articulate "why" he needed to do this, beyond looking for someone that just loves me/wants to marry me without me having to convince them).

I posted on FB about how this year has been the toughest of my (relatively short) life so far, and how I am so thankful for the friends/family/colleagues who have been there to support me or lend a hand or give a shoulder to cry on.. and how I am thankful for the basics (food, transportation, food to eat) as well as the knowledge and tools to turn adversity into a learning experience. I got an outpouring of messages and comments that were very positive and loving.. it's been very comforting to know there are so many people out there that care, and I shouldn't let one [insert some sort of negative adjective] person bring me down so much.

On the downside, this morning at 6am I logged into my bank account to see how much money I had for Black Friday. Some of you might recall that I posted about a month ago about H still not changing the electric bill to his own account (which he was supposed to do back in July). He had assured me several months in a row that THIS was the month it'd definitely be taken care of. At the end of October I stated my boundary - if he did not change it again, I would cancel my direct deposit, and withdraw my money from the joint checking, so he can do whatever he wants with what's left in it, not my problem anymore. Low and behold, this morning I discovered it deducted again from the joint account. I'm somewhat embarrassed to say I did not handle that very well... but it could have been much worse (I am still pretty furious). My first email went something like "The MG&E bill deducted again from the joint checking. Help me understand what's happening. Is it not working properly or did you forget to do it? Please change this ASAP and send me confirmation that you did it. You had told me that one of the things you were unhappy with was me nagging you to do things and I have been working very hard to let things go/not ask you about things, but this is getting ridiculous." Not good, I know. But could have been worse.

A half hour later I wrote again and said "Now that I'm a little calmer I can respond to this more rationally.. I'll be moving forward with what I said I'd do before if this wasn't changed. I'll be submitting the paperwork to cancel the direct deposit from my paycheck and once that's confirmed, I will take my half of the money out of the account. You can do whatever you want with your half. If you leave the account open, though, you may have to pay monthly fees if it's not below the minimum balance." So, boundary will be enforced, I gave him fair warning about the implications and what might happen with the fees. I'm starting to look forward to the D in some ways because I am tired of dealing with all the downsides to being M (worrying if bills are paid, my name on a house and wondering if it's been taken care of, etc.) and none of the positives (having a partner, shared income, etc.) And, I'm really anxious about his reply, though I don't know why exactly - maybe because I'm worried he'll somehow put it back on me/make me think I'm crazy or being unreasonable (which is a pattern for us, too). Before when I questioned him/pushed him on something different he responded with "I thought we could do this amicably, are you not going to be able to do that now?" which I think was a little bit unreasonable in the context, so I guess that's what I'm worried about - he'll see it as being adversarial and then get adversarial back.