U-turn, when she point blank asks you when the war will be over or how long this is going to continue, I don't think that is the time to give vague answers. I think you were trying to avoid a R talk and made an attempt to validate her feelings. But speaking as a woman, I think it may have made you appear more like you were sticking your head in the sand. But I wasn't there, so I'm not sure.
Personally, I think her question presented a perfect opportunity to hit her with a truth dart. W: "When is this going to be over"? You: "At the moment, I would say when you decide to really commit to our marriage......or I get tired of waiting".
I forget, did she know you found out about OM? Did she say she would end it?
Unless she is willing to work with you on a transparency plan and she will commit to the MR, there is no point in carrying the conversation any further. In fact, it may be more effective if you got up to do something, instead of engaging in her complaints about you or her wanting a S or D. If she says she does, do not try to persuade her otherwise. Just let it go.
Be prepared (now) with an answer to these type of questions. They need to short, to the point, manly answers, instead of a needy, pleading question to her. The minute she starts with the same old stuff (which is basically complaints about you), hold up your hand in the "stop" position and tell her, "Just don't go there again. We both know the truth and I won't engage in another one of these sessions unless you are willing to discuss something other than my faults".
Look, she is willing to live like roommates until a decision is made about her and OM's future. As long as she believes you will passively accept living in those conditions, do you really think she will suddenly be attracted to you and choose you over OM?
A WW has to experience a personal loss (one you probably would not know) before she will begin feeling regrets for her A. It has to be serious enough to cause her SERIOUS doubt that OM is worth her loss. It is not your job to figure out what that particular loss may be. However, it is your job to not enable her to continue with a wayward lifestyle.
Based on your resent post, it sounds as if something did happen in FL, if she has been more distant. But without proof, you simply don't know. If she is not spending more time away from home/work than a couple of hours over the weekend, I would be tempted to think it is not a PA at this time. I don't know anything (or can't remember) the details of OM. As you said, she's still emotionally connected to him. For a woman, that is very powerful. Even after I decided to end all contact with my OM, I thought I would never shake him out of my head. But I did! However, I could not begin working on my M until I was completely over fantasy thoughts of OM.
And let me add this about the transparency. If I had not been on this board, reading about it, I would never have agreed to one. B/c I would have felt like most WAW's feel about it. So, unless it is explained to her that it is to help her and you until she gets through the withdrawal stages of the A, I would not bring it up until she has said she will commit or asks you what it will take to work things out. That JMHO.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
