Yesterday was ok. H and D7 went to his parents' T-giving and I stayed here and celebrated with a friend. H texted me once, around noon, to say that he appreciated how different our conversation had been the night before and how hard I'm trying. I wrote back a little later and said that I felt good about the decision we'd made and I hoped he did too. Around 6pm, I texted to see when he'd be leaving and what his plans were for D7 (my house or his house for the night). He said that they were headed out the door and that she could stay with me if I wanted. I replied that I did.
I waffled a bit on the next text, but I didn't feel like he'd given me the attention during the day that I was expecting, based on the agreement we'd made. I sent a text that said, "Do you remember what we said last night, that you would treat me today as though I wasn't there because I was sick?" He wrote back yes and said that he had packed me some food and that he had been getting ready to text me abt their plans but I beat him to it. Then he asked if he could call and talk to me for a minute. I was in the process of texting back that it wasn't a good time (I was still with my friend), but then he called anyway and I decided to take the call. H was worried that I was upset. I told him that it's true that I didn't receive as much attention as I'd expected based on our agreement, but rather than be upset I wanted to see if he remembered the agreement and/or had the same understanding about it that I did. He apologized and said that he knew I had plans (and that if I were sick I would be sleeping) so he was trying not to interrupt my day. He said that when he thought about me today, he did imagine that I was home because I was sick and it allowed him to think of me in a loving way. He apologized again and I reassured him that it was okay. And it really was.
I've been reading HTIYMWTAI and I know that my H is hyper-sensitive to shame. In fact, he's told me before that his biggest fear is fear of failure. In light of that, I've been trying not to say anything that could be construed as critical of him or his efforts. (And it's HARD -- he will interpret me expressing a need as saying that he hasn't been meeting that need, or isn't trying to meet that need. Even the MC has called him out on that.)
However, I had a revelation recently and I think that I have been too apologetic when I trigger his shame response. I don't want him to feel badly so I accept more responsibility than I should in the situation. However, I think that ends up reinforcing his belief that I am "attacking" him because I'm accepting responsibility for some kind of wrongdoing. When in reality, if we had an agreement and I don't think he's doing his part, it's okay for me to ask him about it. That's not an attack. And if he apologizes and I accept it and tell him it's okay, then maybe that will actually resolve the issue. So, a bit of an odd 180 but I'm going to try it and see what happens.
I am having a hard time reconciling what he says with what he does. In counseling last Thursday, the MC said that we should talk for at least an hour every other day. H said, "I'm just not at that point yet." And yet --
1. After the counseling session, he asked if he could call me the next morning (Friday). 2. When we talked on Friday morning, he asked me for a dinner date and an R talk on Saturday night, which we did. 3. He texted me on Sunday morning with a complimentary message and asked if we could talk abt our schedule for the week. When we talked, he asked if we could have an R talk again on Monday night, which we did (in person). 4. On Tuesday morning, he texted me again with a complimentary message. When he picked up D7 after work, he asked if we could talk again on Wednesday evening, which we did. 5. Yesterday, when he dropped off D7, he asked if we could all go to dinner tomorrow night. When I asked if we could do our fondness exercise afterward (we've been doing them independently, saying that we exchange our responses to date on or around T-giving), he said yes.
He also told me last week that he is miserable every day "because I don't live with my spouse." I'm wondering if he is testing the waters and seeing if being with me is better than being without me?
Also, he told me on Wednesday night that he wants "fall in love with me again." He then clarified that he never fell "out" of love with me, but he wants it to be like it was in the beginning. We didn't discuss it further, but I wonder -- is that a good sign? Or a sign that his expectations are too high?
