Thanksgiving was a success on the GAL front. Have to say it was quite pleasant and not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.
H texted girls Happy Thanksgiving. I love and miss you. They both chose not to respond. I was neutral but did tell them that I was fine and that he was their Dad. He does love them. I said you can hate the behavior and love the person. I told him I still love their Dad and I try to remember our entire relationship. I said whatever the feel or choose to do is fine. I said I prayed for their Dad every day. They said they were not praying for him and were not saints. LOL -- I said to think about adding a short prayer for Dad. I must admit I kind of hoped they'd respond and that surprised me. They were very secure with their decision and so I did not push. It is all still new.
It's funny how we tried to raise these girls to be strong and independent. Neither one has gone boy crazy. In fact they are very active in service clubs, human rights and being leaders at their schools. They are both well respected among their teachers. They both say they are feminists. H wanted them to be strong young women. Ironic that this is backfiring on H as he has become somebody they can't respect.
I also find it ironic that I am the one with the most compassion for H yet now I am the enemy. His level of detachment towards me is understandable but a one sentence text every few months to his children? D16 has not heard his voice in 5 months and that was when she called him. D19 heard it a little over 3 months ago. no anger or attempt to call or visit just total detachment.
I will carry on. I have my girls and a lot of love and friends in my life. I will GAL and keep improving myself. I will be the heroine in my own life. it is a slow process but I will keep slogging through.
Oldest D said a text amounting to "insert holiday here" is not worthy of a response. She has a point.
This is the saddest part of the holidays for me. Knowing our family as we knew it is destroyed. It is gone. H lit a match and never looked back.
Last edited by 123Gwen; 11/28/1403:31 PM.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
My last post was so full of hot air. I miss my H. I miss my life. The last few months hit me like a freight train.
It is the oddest thing. It is so hurtful. Nobody saw it coming and he left not just our marriage but his entire life. Friends too. We were all discarded for OW who is "his best friend" I love the man I married but this person now is not someone I recognize.
Just finished crying a bit and trying to wrap my head around it yet again. Sorry, guess this was delayed holiday emotion.
And the rollercoaster ride continues on...
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen, I'm sorry. I wish that I could wipe it all away for you and your family. It's okay to have those days where you have crying spells. What you are feeling may be a delayed reaction to the holiday. I do hope you will feel better soon. Pamper yourself a bit this evening, i.e., a nice, long, hot bath w/some bubble bath and put on some music and just relax a bit. The rollercoaster is not a fun ride these days for you and many of the other posters. Tighten your seat belt for the ride will be bumpy w/many up an downs and twists and turns, but you will make it. You are a strong and independent woman who needs to go thru all of this pain in order to get to the other side of healing.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This whole thing, G, it's not a linear process. You'll feel yourself doing great for a while and then cycle back through all the anger and sadness of grieving.
It's perfectly ok to have those sad days. You love your H. I would worry if you didn't feel sadness anymore.
Your M was real. It happened. All of it. And no one can take those memories away from you. Ever.
The detachment word we read everywhere on the board...it's no easy thing. Remember it is also a long, non-linear process. It will come in layers, over time, and not without pain.
Use the sadness to validate what you knew was real. Use the anger to propel you forward to the next level. Then let those wash over you, and don't allow those emotions to camp out for too long.
The thing is, the OW is a just bandaid. He kinda has to say things like "best friend" because if he didn't, how could he justify doing such a horrible thing to his family? I mean, who does that? Crazy, that's who.
She can not hold a candle to you. I have seen it many times over, and experienced it myself. She truly isn't worth one thought. Don't give her any power. Keep focusing on you, because you're what matters.
^^^^^^ Shining nailed it Gwen. It IS okay to be sad. Regardless of the outcome , it is a life changer. It's normal to feel sad and the holidays are just difficult in general IMHO.
Be kind to yourself. Work on the things you want to better about yourself. Focus on your kids. It does get easier. Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi Gwen, Know that you are not alone. I spent TG with my D's (14 and 19) at my D19's apt. They both got a group text saying "Happy Thanksgiving" that went to them and the people that my W works with, her boss, etc. "Insert holiday here" is right on! Later when the turkey we cooked was done and came out looking great, I texted a picture of it to her with the caption "(D19's) first thanksgiving turkey. Happy Thanksgiving, hope it's a good one". W texted D19 back 3 words "Nice looking turkey". That's all she could be bothered with on the first holiday that we are no longer a family?
I bet that your H and my W both just can't see past themselves. They just don't get how their choices have hurt so many people, so many of those that love them most. If they stopped and realized just how much damage they are causing so many they couldn't cope, so they keep seeing themselves as the victims, us as the bad guys.
You are still so new to all this Gwen. The pain and the anger, the hurt and the missing your old life will come and go. Some days it will be raw and strong, others it will only be there in the background. Give yourself time and understand that the holidays will be a time of reminders of the past. Just keep moving forward and above all be kind to yourself. You and your D's will get through this, no matter what your H does or doesn't do. Hang in there Gwen, you will be OK!
Job,Shining,Georgia,Bklyn & Matt - Thank you all so much for listening and consoling and sharing your wisdom. Job is ride about the rollercoaster.
Bklyn - Thanks for your sweet words about my girls. They are very strong and I feel blessed. Hopefully they'll continue to be strong.
Matt - Enjoying D19's first turkey is amazingly cool. It was wonderful you were there and she will never forget you were there either.
Being present in your heart and mind is truly a gift for the people we love. MLC has robbed our spouses of that ability and I ache for it. Being demoted to no contact or "insert holiday here" is pretty harsh.
Here's hoping December is not so bumpy. I like what you said Shining about using our sadness as validation and our anger to propel us forward.
Thanks all for being so kind. I sure appreciate it.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
This week has been bumpy. D16 finally started to process everything. For the last 6 months she has been sarcastic and funny but not really experiencing the grief. It has worried me. She is one of those kids that overachieves and is so tough on herself that it is better for me to watch, wait and offer some balance. A couple of days ago the volcano erupted. She came to my room and started to cry and did not stop for 90 minutes. It was heart wrenching but I have to tell you a part of me was relieved. We talked and cried and laughed and spent the entire day just being together. I can't fix this but I can offer stability and love and acceptance.
The other bump is today is H's 50th birthday. I prayed on this and decided to stay dark. Separation Agreement is not going well because H's attorney is playing games. It just wastes time and money. It also escalates negative emotions. All of this swirling about and only 6 months after BD. The truth is we could negotiate things in an hour or two if everyone used common sense. Since common sense is in short supply I think it is best if I stay far from the ring leader.
I've cried twice already. I wasn't married to a ring leader. I married a kind person and now my girls and I are being treated like trash by the side of the road. This monster destroyed our lives and now I am crying because I can't spend his birthday celebrating with him? Maybe I have no common sense? I can't even tell what makes sense anymore. What kind of a future am I going to have if I can't even believe in my own thoughts or have confidence in any decision I make?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
