Haha, GB. Take the car??? ..I KNOW, RIGHT?? It's crazy. I feel cursed. I've become an MLC magnet.
Soooo..... I just got home from what turned out to be a short coffee date with H.
Same-ol same-ol.
Although, this time, nothing was terribly crazy. I was nervous because our meetings typically involve money or mail exchange. I was sure there was a selfish reason H wanted to meet with me. Yeah. Of course.
At first, he said wanted to spend the evening with me. Well, as the time came closer....you probably guessed.... He became less interested in seeing me, and he kept coming up with reasons it had to be kept short. It went from all day (which I couldn't do) to evening, to a late dinner, then just coffee. AND he had to leave early because he was "taking care of someone's dogs". Yeah.... I offered him an "out" and said I'm fine rescheduling. Surprisingly, didn't take that offer.
Mindreading Alert:
Best guess? A few days ago, H thought about the evening and was not wanting to be alone on TG. And then after setting things up with me, he got a better offer. Well, not better, but you know....to his crazy a$$.
The visit was rather uneventful for the most part. Odd...
He is having a lot of medical issues. He seems scared. I say this because he is frustrated with docs,mtreatments, ailments...the communication is bad, they're having him do unnecessary tests, extra visits "just so they get that copay"... Yada yada...
He just can't seem to find relief. His skin, his vision, his muscles, his back. This medication, that ointment, those drops...You would think he was an old man.
He told me about a conversation with one of the nurses who "didn't call him back with his test results". He said he was frustrated that he had to call them because he is suffering. He feels worse than he ever has. I wanted to fix...because that's who I am. But I didn't. I can't. All I could do was listen.
He hasn't made any progress, still deep in the tunnel. I didn't expect anything different.
I am different this time. I was prepared for crazy. I talked myself into accepting the situation, as it is. Accepting this visit, this moment, for exactly as it presents tonight. Accepting H for who he is today. Zero expectations.
That worked well.
I feel more detached tonight. I'm a little numb, with everything going on with holidays and oldest sons being out of the nest. My emotions are just floating.
I have been thinking a lot about moving on. I'm not ready. I'm no where near date-able. I could see myself getting there, though, if I choose.
I'm going to fight the store-madness tomorrow morning, just to get out. I made plans with D13 and friends and their moms Saturday night, girl party. Sunday I have brunch with a good friend. And my SIL wants to catch up, too. Keeping busy.
I'm just so tired. And I miss being M. I miss having a partner to snuggle and talk to.
And I miss the friggin trust. A$$hat.
I still want that partner thing again someday. One day at a time. Focus is still on me.
Things are chill........ Status quo isn't always a bad thing.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE ON THIS WONDERFUL BOARD!!! I'm so thankful for you all.
