Inside my chrysalis 7

[labug]

So how did you separate your hope from a mutual hope and make it more singular?

Frankly, it all started with putting my marriage away. It's not an alive marriage. Trying to perform CPR on it is futile in my case. It just is dead. I know this. If there's any hope for H and I to be together again it has to be 100% a new marriage. 100%.

Knowing that is one thing but preparing myself for the realities of that is harder. That means divorce. Flat out, the marriage is over. So as MWD suggests, I mentally divorced my marriage (this is a process, I'm not done yet). Doing that, I developed hope for me. ME. Singular hope.

That's not to say I don't have hope in H but hope in him sets me up for disappointment because I can't control him. He's on his own journey and he's certainly not going to walk his path the way I'd want him to. To expect he would perpetuates the problems in the marriage that is dead and keeps me from working on my issues with control, condescension, etc.

I'm determined to not waste my pain. I'm going to learn from every single ache I've felt and will feel. And I don't want to carry resentment about it, I want to be free and clear and that only happens when you let go. I can't claim I've dropped the rope, not that kind of letting go. I mean, I've taken back my responsibility for my own feelings, my own work, my own path. There's freedom in that and so, so much hope.

H may or may not get there. It's out of my hands. I can only be the best me I know how to be. For me. For D. For any future relationship I'm in.

Detachment came naturally for me once I got here. I'm an overthinker by nature and mental distance (meditation, staying busy, leaning on myself) helped immensely.

As a bonus, I started to like things about myself again. I stopped trying to see myself through his eyes and began to look at myself through my own. I like order and systems. H is the creative type and nothing happens systematically or without chaos and a giant path of destruction. I was ashamed for a long time by my need for order and systems. I'm learning that that's just ME and there's nothing wrong with my need for that. I'm not over-the-top about it.

I simply like being able to find things, know there's money in the bank account, scan my card without worrying if the bill got paid, make a grocery list, post a school calendar in the kitchen where I can see it. These are NOT shameful things or reasons why I'm inadequate. I know this now and I'm proud of that realization.

I have some resentment to work through there but it's mine. Not his to fix for me by coming back.

I can only work on me and while the responsibility there is great, there's a relief that I don't have to fix him or help him fix himself.

Nope.

He will or he won't.

But I will say, he's an absolute fool.

You've got this, ss!

Peeling those layers can be painful but what's at the end holds so much freedom.