Happy Thanksgiving! I appreciate your advice and support.
I ended up with door #4, and I feel good about it. I don't think that I was a model of detachment, but I do think I handled the conversation very differently than I would have 6 months ago, and so did H.
H called me at abt 9pm to say that D7 was still stirring and to ask if we could talk over the phone instead. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. H said ok, but then we ended up talking on the phone for abt 30 minutes anyway. That part of the conversation did not go very well. I felt that H had already made his decision abt today without giving us a chance to talk it over as a couple. We went back and forth abt that for a while. Then I asked him, "If I come over and we have a heart-to-heart,* is it possible that we will end up spending T-giving together, or is your heart already closed to that possibility?"
His response (which really made me think) was, "Are you only concerned about the outcome, or do you want to have the heart-to-heart?" He then said that his heart was still open and I agreed to trust that that was true even if we ended up deciding not to spend the holiday together.
Then I went over to his house and we had an entirely different conversation. I listened to him, he listened to me. We talked abt some of the deeper issues that this raises for us both. I was 99% sure going into the conversation that I was going to be the one to give in, so I was able to stay calm as we talked.
One of the things that came up was that my capacity for forgiveness is greater than his. We were both worried that even if we spent T-giving together and had a great time, he would resent having given me the "win", whereas I'm not going to hold a grudge if he goes without me. H said that he didn't want to take advantage of that, but I told him that it's one of the few things we have working for us right now and we should use it if we need to. H said that he was worried I wouldn't be able to forgive easily in the future if we exploit it now. I told him that's a valid concern, but I'm not going to let the circumstances of our R change something that I value abt myself. H said he knows what I mean, because he knows that he has allowed his hurt to change some of his better qualities (he mentioned grace specifically) and he is finding that he likes himself more now that he has accepted the MC's challenge to re-discover those qualities again.
I told H that I can give a lot, and I don't need an apology, just appreciation. H said that he could do that.
As we were winding down our discussion, I said to him, "Ask me to go with you tomorrow." He did, and I said, "Thank you, but I don't think that's the right decision." Then we cuddled on the couch for a little while and talked about current events.
As I was getting ready to leave, he asked if he wanted me to text him tomorrow to let me know he got there safely. I said yes, but apparently something abt my response seemed hesitant because he said, "How about I respond to your texts, but I won't intrude on your day?" At that moment, an idea flashed through my mind and said to H, "This may sound crazy, but what if you interact with me tomorrow exactly as you would if I wasn't there because I'm sick?" He said, "I can do that." I looked at him (with tears welling up in my eyes -- so much for detachment!) and said, "That would be the perfect compromise. Because I'll still feel important to you, but you don't have to worry abt having an awkward or tense T-giving with me being right there."
So, we came to a decision together that we're both happy with. I'm going to do some work this am and then head over to my friend's house. I'm really looking forward to it!
*This is what our MC calls conversations where we try to listen to and understand each other. The MC also talks about "listening for the heart" so that language has crept its way into how we talk abt it too.
