Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[25yearsmlc]

3 things....(and Happy Thanksgiving too!)

First, I don't believe in seeing the parent of my children as the enemy, even if they are divorcing me. I just don't but that it helps the situation, although that's not to say you shouldn't do all you can to protect your legal interests and your kids'.

Second, I have to chime in about the "NOBLE ACT" of Not telling us the truth. They claim to want to protect us but to ME it seems that keeping the vows would have done that just fine. Or those who have affairs and lie to their spouse "to protect them" really must do some compartmentalizing!

When my h would sneak off to Alaska and tell me "later", because he did "not want to hurt" me, it made NO sense since he hurt me BY GOING there AND lying about it...

but, I was supposed to be grateful? Gee, maybe we should THANK THEM for their heroism??

I did a stand up comedy set on MLCs and the part I wrote/performed about the 'Noble Liar" really got laughs. Guess it's easy to relate to b/c a LOT of folks sure seemed to get it!

OTOH, I suppose it'd be worse to do the opposite and tell us ALL their "Affair truths". I've seen some doozies around here.
Like the cheaters who throw the affair in the LBS's faces, or brag about finding "real love, finally" or how "great the sex is, NOW", which is just an evil thing to do. Or they'll tell their kids that they are "So happy NOW" and you have to wonder what the kids feel then?

(True, in a marriage with lots of fighting, or bullying, or a cold and distant marriage, it's possible the kids will see a happier parent and perhaps that will smooth things for them some....but it seems more like they prefer their original families intact).

Yes there are some WAs's who say "too much truth" to the LBS.
Bad enough to cheat and leave, why flaunt it and throw it in the LBS's face? Believe me, I've seen that too. So perhaps we can give a nod of thanks for your w's intentions this holiday.

Perhaps In your wife's own way, she's trying to not be a total jerk. Moving on...

Third, I hope you like different opinions b/c here's one.


I don't agree with your refusal to go to a Workshop like Imago (or Essential Experience, aka "EE", for that matter) b/c your w is in an A.

Why?

B/C if Imago is at all like Retrovaille, (and I"ve heard that it is). then imo,

SHE CANNOT endure and get through a weekend of those talks and meeting those married couples and hearing the stories and doing the exercises and doing the introspective work and digging deep,

and Stay IN an affair AND stay married. At least I don't see how.

I mean, that's a whole lot of denial to endure and a lot of people to ignore, and for what?? To say "I tried"? She can do that in a MC's offices for less money and a lot faster!
IF Imago is at all like Retrovaile or EE, I believe she'd never leave that workshop still active in the A, And Staying with you. I don't see how.

I'm not saying you have to go pretend all is well and you're just fine & dandy.

But those workshops are designed for marriages in crisis - and if you are trying to show her that you can change, how will you ever do that? Won't you just appear stubborn and resentful and punitive?

How are you looking new & improved if you won't discuss the marriage or what you are willing to do, to help it?

(Did I miss something? Is this some other IMAGO workshop about divorce? The only ones I am familiar with are focussed on helping relationships become closer and to improve communication).

My sexist remark is coming now, so here we go. Seems settled that the reason affairs of wives' being more likely to end in divorce is not just b/c "men can't forgive" or their egos won't let them....

I think it's also (OR more likely) b/c for most women in affairs, it's an emotional need that is not being met inside the marriage and thus, the wife is more likely to feel justified in her affair. And more likely to want to end the marriage. I once came very close to having an affair and can tell you honestly that at the time, I did feel justified. My h was in his internship and that was the 5th long hard year in a row and there was no end in sight. Another 4 years at best, (but 11 more years was more likely) and possibly a lifetime of unrelentingly long hours, missed holidays, shortened vacations, sleep deprivation (= less intimacy and more crankiness, less co-parenting, etc etc).. We were also in the military (thanks to H's schooling being funded by the Army, I also joined b/c if you can't beat'em, join 'em) and that meant that I was going to be deployed, (not h b/c he was an intern then and they'd never interrupt that part of his training)

so I was going to go to war, b/c of HIS choices...or so it seemed to me then. OM was also military and was very attentive, and available and presented an option for a different kind of life....one I so very much wanted then.

The part of me that did feel guilty was nagging at me and I went to see a chaplain (very helpful) and a shrink (not helpful). The chaplain made good suggestions about getting more passion in my life in ways that did not threaten my marriage, (like doing theater, for one). I worked myself out of the would be affair before it became physical and it took me months before I could forget OM. Even years later, every few months I'd wonder about OM. Not in a way that made me think I wanted to pursue him but more like curiosity.

There are also some embarrassingly crazy memories I have of really fantasizing about the PERFECT LIFE W/OM...and I do shake my head. Turns out my h and I are much better suited than OM and I would have been....but when the OPs seem like the answer to your loneliness or lack of intimacy or respite from feeling judged wanting...it's hard to believe that the spouse from whom we've felt such a disconnect could be our soulmate again.

I stopped things before they went too far for me.

HP, You were having an affair that you still have not told her about.... You worked yourself out of an affair and back into the marriage... but you won't give your wife the same chance...

Do you ever wonder How she'll view your present choices - when she finds out you had an affair you never disclosed?

What about the way you are portraying HER "boundary crossings", when you never imposed a boundary on yourself?

What about how she never got to set any boundaries with you, b/c she did not know of your A?

I'm not trying to shame you HP. Honestly I swear I'm not.
I just have to wonder how you are going to face her then?

I'm truly worried b/c I do think it will come out some day. And the longer it takes, maybe, the worse. (?? Not sure...just wondering out loud...)

I'm not saying "go tell her now", but I do wonder about the potential for hypocrisy cropping up.

Whatever your kids learn about her & her affair, they'll probably be sure to learn about you & yours, won't they?

Can you be firm and strong (and yes, "manly") without being too rigid? You'll have to find some balance there...

Just my .02

Keep up the good work, don't backslide or lose your head. Be your best dad self. We're all rooting for you.