Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

Hello Sandi. Thank you for your incredible advice. I have clearly had trouble not showing undue tenderness and support when W shows pain, softness, and caring while in her A. That last crying spell of her's was the best I've done at maintaining good emotional distance thanks to advice from you and everyone else. That did seem to result in her reaching out to me with rum the next day (before I irritated her by mentioning OM weakly).

I do still struggle a little at other times being friendly yet distant instead of rude. Tonight was better. Just focused on spending time with S11 watching his shows. Warmly acknowledged W when she came around but did not invite her to join. Politely drank the rum she got for me last night (she didn't make me a drink this time) and thanked her for it with a text. (should have told her face to face). Let her stay upstairs in peace all night without trying to engage her or asking her how she was. She did miss out on a fun family night. She asked S11 to come hang with her upstairs but he did not. I did ask her "how was your day?" when she came home. I don't think I'll do that anymore because she mentioned she felt suspicion from me about how she spends her time out the house (which was true over the weekend when I let myself get sucked into dueling mystery GALs).

And it was fantastic of you to mention the transition to piecing. I know that is a long road from here... but I am hopeful about reaching that point. That you would share your thoughts on it with me gives me energy. Thank you for that.

As for her condition... yes she is in physical pain and under great emotional pressure. Watching her shake and cry the other night was hard. Even so, I recognize that her feelings are very real and do not blame them on her conditions. Still, I very much appreciate your sharing your experiences under somewhat similar pressures and I hope I can translate your stories into the best result for her and my family.

As for contacting the OM... her latest email saying she would cease the contact was her 3rd time saying she would do so (2nd time in writing). Also, in her very next sentence she said that doesn't change anything and that I still can't trust her. This from someone who says she doesn't want to be thought of as a lier and a "bad girl." I was watching her type the email on her phone. She was pissed when she wrote it. Then she almost immediately wrote her "you are one of the best people I've ever known" email. She often seems to go to far then backtrack. That, and she has lied plenty now and so smoothly (and admitted it) that I don't think it wise to believe anything. Plus, she posted on her twitter when all this started that women lie to not hurt peoples feelings. So she has rationalized her lying and clearly has no problem going back on what she says to me now b/c she "cares about me" and wants to protect me from her truth (so she can feel better). Mind reading.

She knows (because I told her) putting her phone back on our account so I can see her call history (as we've always had) is the least of what is needed start rebuilding trust. I also mentioned a NC letter and access to her email on the first day of all of this. She knows just saying it isn't enough as, after I confronted her recently with the OM boundary, she admitted to lying about contact (while saying it was innocent contact) and then moved herself from our bed to the couch where she still sleeps.

So yes, I would love to believe her. But she has a bad back, said she would end contact, but has not tried to get back in our bed from the couch. So back to being the best me and being only polite and friendly to her. Today I was good at that. Tomorrow I'll do the same.

Thank you again Sandi. I really appreciate your advice to me and everyone else here. You are a lifesaver.