My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

I wish I had found this site more than a year ago when I had my second child. She was six weeks old when my husband told me he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. My first pregnancy with our son had been extremely difficult, then I had a c-section and couldn't pull myself together and I know I was absolutely awful to be around. I've never done well having to depend on other people. I usually end up mad at myself for not being able to do more then resentful toward the people trying to help and I know I did that in my marriage, which I regret very, very much. My husband was trying to tell me last year that he was hurting and instead of being empathetic, I was angry with him for telling me he'd been thinking about divorce when I had such a tiny baby and a toddler to care for. He tried to be a good husband, even brought me flowers in the hospital when we had the second baby just weeks before his first "bomb drop" but I was not easy to get along with in those first months of post-pregnancy. I wish I would have just kept my big mouth shut. It was like I could see this beautiful life in front of me that my husband was giving me and our two children, and I wanted to take him in my arms and say "thank you!" But instead this horrible monster came out and I've said things I could never take back.
Things improved slightly when my doctor made a diagnosis of ppd after my second baby and started me on medication, but my husband remained distant and it honestly felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything right. I think that must have been how he felt at times.
I received another bomb drop on valentine's day this year, when I gave my husband a card and he said he had nothing for me. We always exchange cards or something silly or go out to dinner for valentine's day, but this year when I asked what was going on he just said "I've told you where I'm at in the relationship." He also took off his ring around that time, then put it on for our daughter's first birthday party, then kept taking it off some days and wearing it other days, before finally just wearing it every day, which he continues to do. This is all so confusing for me.
About two weeks ago my husband came home from work and said he was going to be staying with a buddy in a nearby town for a while. I called his mom in a panic, because we're very close, and she had mentioned to me recently she thought I was doing so well and was really on the right track, and that she wanted to encourage her son to work on our marriage. When she answered the phone, she said he'd told her the other day he wasn't planning to work on his marriage anymore. I felt so stupid, like I was the last to know or something.
Since moving out, my husband has been coming over to see our son and daughter two to three times a week and I've been using that time to make contacts and do some independent contracting work to try to get my career back on track. I've been a stay at home mom for almost four years now and I'm concerned I might need to get back to work full time as soon as possible in the event I end up divorced. My husband said he would make sure we were taken care of if we divorce and that he would never put me and the kids in a position where we would lose the house or not have any money for groceries, etc. I do really appreciate that, but I also would like the love of my partner and best friend back. He just is not himself and I feel like I'm living in a different world. This can't be planet Earth. My husband has literally seen me crying nonstop at times when we've had to talk about this, and he's looked at me and said he just doesn't care anymore. That doesn't even sound like him. He was so loving, supportive and caring when we got married and we couldn't stand to be apart from each other. But I made the mistake of bringing baggage from my childhood and not taking care of myself mentally when there were obvious signs I needed help.

Tomorrow the kids and I are going to my mother in law's for Thanksgiving dinner and my husband will be there. I'm wondering if anyone will think it's weird that we're going separately or if they won't even notice or care. I'm not sure how to act around my husband either.